You can get a bidet toilet attachment for about $35 on Amazon or eBay, which I totally did after returning from living in Japan. It does not sing to me, though. Not even any little soothing bird noises.
I feel like most people know this, but I've run into several recently who haven't, so: If you're American and want to get insurance but have a pre-existing condition, the high risk pools DO EXIST NOW. This is a thing that the Affordable Care Act actually did. You can probably get into one. (I did so, and I now no longer have a brain tumor. So, I'm very fond of them.) There are subsidies based on income level, though how good they are varies from state to state. This site has a tool that can help you figure out how to join yours.