How The Toast Does Money

Gotta lay out all of my biases right away: The Toast has paid me to write stuff for them, I'm active in their comments section, and when the Vegas Valley Comic Book Festival (at which I'm performing in November) asked me to list my heroes as part of a Proust Questionnaire, I immediately said "Roxane Gay, Nicole Cliffe, Mallory Ortberg, Caitlin Moran." So we're all clear that I am ridiculously biased here, right? On to how The Toast does money.

The Deli Person’s Mistake

I look at the deli sticker that the woman who apportioned them out had placed on them and realized she missed a decimal point and charged me for four POUNDS of chicken wings—not four chicken wings.

The Universe Gave Me a Smartphone, And Then the Universe Took It Away

Mallory had a smartphone, but it wasn't meant to be.

Student Loans Could Use Some Rebranding

"Years of despair."

Apt Observations About Trader Joe’s

Over at The Gloss, noted phoneless person and O.C. connoisseur Mallory Ortberg explores what various Trader Joe’s purchases say about you. SHE IS CORRECT ABOUT ALL OF THEM. (“Vegetable & lentil soup (canned): You have a lot to worry about. Good luck with everything. Let me know if I can help;””Produce, any kind: You’re a fool. Produce is the Trader’s Achilles heel. He cannot master it; this failure keeps him up at night. ‘So many bags,’ he moans to his sympathetic but tired wife. ‘So many irregularly sliced end bits. Shelled English peas in a bag. Ghastly. All ghastly.’ There is no solution; the puzzle goes unsolved. Finally, he sleeps, but he cannot rest.”)

The Best Snacks (In Mostly Ascending Order)

Last week, Mallory Ortberg (who also happens to happen another funny text correspondence today on The Hairpin) told me that Clif Bars are terrible snacks, so I asked her to send me a listicle of the best things to eat between meals.