Over at The Gloss, noted phoneless person and O.C. connoisseur Mallory Ortberg explores what various Trader Joe’s purchases say about you. SHE IS CORRECT ABOUT ALL OF THEM. (“Vegetable & lentil soup (canned): You have a lot to worry about. Good luck with everything. Let me know if I can help;”"Produce, any kind: You’re a fool. Produce is the Trader’s Achilles heel. He cannot master it; this failure keeps him up at night. ‘So many bags,’ he moans to his sympathetic but tired wife. ‘So many irregularly sliced end bits. Shelled English peas in a bag. Ghastly. All ghastly.’ There is no solution; the puzzle goes unsolved. Finally, he sleeps, but he cannot rest.”)
I look at the deli sticker that the woman who apportioned them out had placed on them and realized she missed a decimal point and charged me for four POUNDS of chicken wings—not four chicken wings.
Mallory had a smartphone, but it wasn't meant to be.
Mallory got a phone, phinally.