Lisa and Bryan are moving in together and, against everyone’s better judgment, are documenting it on the Internet. THE STORY SO FAR. Last we heard from them, it was January and they had found an apartment. Then three months passed. Did they break up? They did not.

Bryan: Hello beautiful.

Lisa: Good day sir!

Bryan: So we went furniture shopping at the flea market today. First big piece of furniture purchased together. Big step.

Lisa: We gotta back up man! It’s been three months since we wrote an article. We need to remind our audience who we are!

Bryan: I thought we would do this like Momento. Just go randomly from time to time in no specific order.

Lisa: I don’t even have anything to say to that. Except that Memento wasn’t random, it was simultaneously presented chronological and reverse chronological threads.

Bryan: Okay. Three months ago.

Lisa: January 25th. You were finishing up at your old job, and I had a shoot the next day so you were going to go craft service shopping with me to get things for craft services but I think I ended up doing it alone because I thought I’d be going to drinks for my co-worker’s last day. Do you remember now?

Bryan: Sounds vaguely familiar. And yeah, we wrote about finally finding a place to live. That was so long ago!

Lisa: It was. And we talked about how we would split rent 55/45 due to our respective financial situations and how much we had been used to paying.

Bryan: Right. And since then you paid your half of the deposit, so that was a good step.

Lisa: Yes. That month was rough for me bill-wise and you were working. I appreciated you paying the half of the deposit we needed to leave with the application, but on move-in day, I had the money so I paid the other half. And we both paid our first month’s rent.

Bryan: Well, we each only paid a half month’s rent.

Lisa: We should explain that our landlord had told us there would need to be some construction done the first week we moved in, so she only charged us a half month’s rent—$900 total.

Bryan: Yes, we were told that there was some minor plumbing and electrical upgrades needed but that we could live there during the work and it would take 2-3 days. We got a half a month’s rent discount for the inconvenience. Then we showed up on move it day to find…

Lisa: NO WALLS IN OUR APARTMENT!!!

Bryan: What was described as minor was actually re-plumbing and rewiring the entire apartment. Luckily we had sort of planned for it and kept a bed at your place for half a month, so really we paid a full month’s rent including the half at your place, which we split.

Lisa: Right. It was a weird situation. We had moved all our stuff into the new place—EVERYTHING—but we couldn’t stay there because construction was going on all day. All the furniture had to be two feet away from the walls.

Bryan: And we couldn’t put clothes in closets.

Lisa: The construction ended up taking a full 10 days. So for 10 days we would drive cross town to the new place, get an overnight bag and sleep in a bedroom with just a bed no lights (because we had moved all the lighting). We were very unhappy, BUT…. we had only paid that month’s rent so we didn’t really feel justified in complaining.

Bryan: True. It was pretty annoying, but we took turns being stressed and angry and we calmed each other down when we needed to. Plus, looking back better to have the construction out of the way while our stuff was still in boxes, rather than when we were living in the place with nowhere to go. It all worked out.

Lisa: So… since that first snafu, things have been going rather smoothly.

Bryan: Indeed. Even moving in the cat went well.

Lisa: Ah yes, once we got Henry the cat over here it started to feel like home because until then, I’d still have to go back to my old place and take care of him. We didn’t want to move him until we had a safe living environment for him to tear up.

Bryan: Home is where the cat is…right.

Lisa: Haha. Yup! And we realized we had a similar design aesthetic.

Bryan: Yes. All the furniture you brought from your place and everything I brought from mine is playing very nicely with each other.

Lisa: Yeah! Almost everything we brought from our respective places is part of our decor. We did have to buy a few things, though.

Bryan: Yup. A couple accent chairs, a work bench, a fancy garbage pail.

Lisa: The fun thing that I discovered about living with someone is that everything is half priced!! The dustbuster is only $30 because you paid the other $30. The garbage pail was only $40 because you paid the other $40.

Bryan: I know! When you told me the garbage pail was $80 I thought that was crazy. Then I realized I only had to pay $40. I will totally spend $40 on a nice garbage pail.

Lisa: And we decided whoever falls in love with it more gets it in the break-up plan.

Bryan: Never thought I would try to prove how much I love a garbage pail. Man, we can’t break up.

Lisa: No way! Because then one of us would have to move out and we both love this apartment too much. (Also because we love each other.)

Bryan: I think it was good that we talked about how we were going to split the cost of everything before we moved in. It made things go more smoothly. Since all of the utilities at my place were in my name I just transferred them to the new place, and you write me a check for half.

Lisa: So easy!

Bryan: And we each put $40 into a jar each week for groceries and then take from it when we go shopping. Honor system style.

Lisa: Yeah… we haven’t been doing a good job of that at all. I think whoever’s been going food shopping has just paid (mostly you) and then if someone picks up food on the way home at night (mostly me) we consider it even. But I don’t know if it’s even…

Bryan: We’re still perfecting our system. It’s only been a month.

Lisa: I guess.

Bryan: We have been good about splitting all of the furniture, shelving, organizational things, etc.

Lisa: Definitely.

Bryan: Damn. One word answers already?? You’re totally over this.

Lisa: I just think we discussed everything and the conversation is over.

Bryan: Okay, fine. See you in the kitchen.

Lisa: So wait. We’re not gonna end all cute like? Cuz that’s kinda our thing. Our signature sign off. That one guy who comments on our stuff and says he hates us will be disappointed if we don’t give him something to vomit about.

…

Hello?

Bryan: Sorry missed that last part. I was distracted by your beautiful face.

Lisa: Eh. Good enough.

Lisa and Bryan live in L.A. Together.

Lisa and Bryan are moving in together and, against everyone’s better judgment, are documenting it on the internet. THE STORY SO FAR. 

Lisa: So! Logan asked us about how the last few weeks have been. We played house again for a week and looked at some apartments. We both wrote what we were feeling and thinking and desiring and now we are going to compare notes.

Bryan: Let’s start with playing house. Your roommate was gone again so I moved myself in.

Lisa: Yay!!!!!  We had a good time.

Bryan: I think the key thing is that we really tried to do all the living together activities:  grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. We didn’t just spend a week of vacation on the couch and call it trial living together. We even had a day where we had separate plans and then came home at night and finished our day together.

Lisa: Yeah, I would recommend that to anyone thinking about moving in with their boyfriend or girlfriend—try not to make reality out of a fantasy. But that said—we did pretty well. We learned each other’s cleaning habits and where we put stuff in the refrigerator. You learned that I use the garbage disposal in the sink as a secondary garbage pail.

Bryan: You put EVERYTHING down that thing.

Lisa: And I learned that you hang up your t-shirts. Like, all of them. Even your undershirts. EVEN YOUR PAJAMA SHIRTS!! 

Bryan: It will obviously still be different when we are in OUR place and we both have an equal claim to the place.

Lisa: Are there things that I do that you’d like to reform when we share a space?

Bryan: Not that I can think of.

Lisa: Well keep thinking. You have 6 weeks till we move in…

Bryan: Very true. I will start a list

Lisa: !!!!

Bryan: We can go over it the first night we are in the new place. Sound like a good idea?

Lisa: Fantastic. Then we’ll see what it’s like to sleep in separate rooms that very first night.

Bryan: ahahahahaha

Lisa: So, speaking of our new place: We found a new place!!

Bryan: YES! With most of what was on our fantasy list. Even a bedroom for the pony!!!!

Lisa: Right—hardwood floors, lots of storage space, 2 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, backyard area.

Bryan:  Wait. We should back up a step. We looked at almost a dozen places and saw a wide range of good and bad. We should thank those people who wrote comments in our last post saying we could find most of what we were looking for in our price range.

Lisa: Thank you people!

Bryan: I think it was important to see a variety of places in a variety of areas so we could compare and contrast.  We made a pros and cons list immediately after seeing each place (unless it was an obvious no) when things were still fresh in our mind.  Seeing that many places they can easily all start to blend together in your memory.

Lisa: We’re so adorably organized.

Bryan: So, yeah, we found this one place in Los Feliz that we loved and pursued that. We sat down with the manager and her husband, wrote a check for half the deposit and the next day we got an email we were approved!

Lisa: Yay!!!

Bryan:But we did have to compromise on a few things.

Lisa:  Yeah, like no dishwasher.

Bryan: But that’s what I am for! Also, no in unit laundry and no A/C.

Lisa: Ah, right. I forgot how much I wanted those things until you said it. Oh man. Did we make a huge mistake???

Bryan: No way, it’s a split level so we will have plenty of space when I don’t tell you about traffic jams and you get mad at me.

Lisa: We don’t have a breakup plan, but we do have an “I’m too mad to be in the same room as you” plan.

Bryan: I think that plan prevents us from needing a break up plan.

Lisa: Fair!!!

Lisa: So—cost of the place is $1,800/month plus utilities. Deposit is $1,000. (No pet deposit, which means Henry the cat doesn’t have to get a job).

Bryan: I know, one place wanted a $500 pet deposit. Where is Henry going to get that kind of money?

Lisa:  You said you’d pay $1,000 and I’d pay $800 and at first that seemed unbalanced, but the truth is, I’d feel a little strained by paying much more.

Bryan: Plus if we split it 50/50 you would be the only one paying more than you pay now.  That doesn’t seem fair for you to have to find extra money each month when I get a much bigger better place for the same cost.  With this arrangement we both increased evenly

Lisa: Yeah… ok….  Also, you’ve put down all of the deposit so far. She asked for $500 and you wrote a check.  I never paid you back

Bryan: I just wrote the check 4 days ago. There is still plenty of time. At least a year!!!

Lisa: I just don’t like the feeling of starting out like this. I know I asked you to cover me on this one—I have a few new financial obligations this month: new car (so two payments this month while I turn in the old one), and my insurance doesn’t kick in till I’ve spent the deductible, so I’m a few hundred bucks out of pocket every January.

Bryan: Also, I only paid my half of the actual deposit. When we have to pay the rest of the deposit we can discuss.

Lisa: Oh…. have I not asked you to cover my half of the deposit yet? What excellent timing!

… I’m kidding

… I hope

But yes, in 6 weeks I’ll be MUCH better off!

Lisa: So I guess the next thing to figure out is actual moving, huh?

Bryan: Moving and combining places! What stays, what goes! What of mine you absolutely want gone. Those fun conversations. We could talk about this now maybe?

Lisa: I’m sorry I’m distracted by a tattoo on Ryan Reynolds’ wrist. I’m trying to find out what it means.

Bryan: Okay let’s do this another night.

Lisa: What do you think it means?

Bryan: I’m closing my laptop now.

Lisa: “YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SAY ‘I LOVE YOU’ ?????????”

Bryan: I can’t say it now.

Lisa: Nooooo. Is it the sweatshirt?

Bryan: Because you will think I only said it because you asked.

Lisa: True. You’ve learned well, wise one.

Lisa and Bryan live in LA. Together, almost. 

Lisa and Bryan are moving in together and, against everyone’s better judgment, are documenting it on the internet. Lisa’s terrible with money, and Bryan is great with money. THE STORY SO FAR. 

TO: LISA AND BRYAN
FROM: LOGAN
SUBJECT: HOMEWORK

Lisa: So this is fun! You and I sitting in the same room gchattin’.

Bryan: It’s like when we first started dating and we did this all day at work.

Lisa: So you and I looked at Katie’s list of roommate drama last Monday and I’ll be honest, it was a little difficult. There were a few things I wasn’t ready to talk about yet.

Bryan: It was a very extensive list, and Katie did make a point of saying she didn’t recommend going through all these things at once. But there were many things that I thought would be conversations down the line. 

Lisa: Right, but a lot of it was good to get out of the way, like – the whole “saying goodbye” scenario. It’s a good idea to establish a routine now and not get into a situation down the road where one of us is upset and other didn’t know it was a thing that could upset someone

Bryan: I think we have a pretty good hello/goodbye routine

Lisa: (you type really fast) (and look really cute doing it)

Bryan: Thanks. I feel like a lot of these things we have just naturally found our answers to

Lisa: Like what?

Bryan: Like who gets in the shower first.The answer is both of us.

Lisa: Oh yes—we are so environmentally friendly by showering together everyday.

Bryan: Look—We love the earth. People need to know. Also we’re pretty good at handling our own joint social calendar.

Lisa: Yeah! We have been good at that, but a lot of the spending stuff we have yet to resolve. Thanks to a lot of the commenters on our last piece, we have decided that we don’t necessarily have to pay the exact same in rent for it to be “even”.

Bryan: Right. We decided that both of us should contribute proportional to our income.

Lisa: Fair! Man – we got through the tough stuff pretty easily. So… how many kids do you want?

Bryan: Ahahaha. Right now? None.

But who knows down the road? Remember – we need a certain number of awesome weekends before that is even a discussion

Lisa: 100!! 100 awesome weekends before I will share my daily life with another being who is not you.

Bryan: YES! Also some of the questions like decorating the apartment etc seem like discussion for after we move. The size of the apartment, number of rooms and what not will determine the furniture we need to purchase

Lisa: Right. But… we didn’t’ talk about who will pay for those things. I don’t have any extra money, and I assume will have even less after the move, so I’m fine with the couch and bed and dining room table we have now

Bryan: Me too. And if there are things we really want, we will save for them.

Lisa: I mean… I won’t want to have company over until we have chairs for that dining room table, but for you and me (and Henry, the cat), that’s ok.

Bryan: We’re not trying to go poor to get furniture

Lisa: Right (well, more poor, in my case).

Bryan: Plus, I’m a good bargain shopper. I’m sure we can find things that we like at low! low! prices. I got this couch for very cheap – like 75% off.

Lisa: Really??? This is such a beautiful couch! I’m sorry I stained it with eye make up and nacho cheese. In the new place, let’s make sure we have a table so we don’t have to always eat on the couch.

Bryan: Stains tell stories! Remember when we used to put towels down when we ate on the couch. That didn’t last very long

Lisa: Remember when you used to flip the cushions over so I would only see the clean side? That didn’t last too long either.

Bryan: Well, yeah, because you started spilling on the clean sides! Ahahahahahaha

Lisa: Jerk! Speaking of messes, we kinda touched on household responsibilities when we talked last week, but didn’t really figure it out fully.

Bryan: We discussed that you have a house cleaner but she never comes and we can cut that out.

Lisa: We’re actually both really good at cleaning. During the trial week where you moved into my place [over Thanksgiving, Lisa's roommates were out of town, and Bryan "moved in" for the week to see if they'd kill each other. They didn't.] we spent a day cleaning and were both very much on the same page. I didn’t think I could love you more until I saw you with a dust pan.

Bryan: We did a great job of cleaning together. And we talked about taking the bills other than rent and each taking a fair share, so that’s resolved.

Lisa: Wait. Does “fair” mean “monetarily equall”?

Bryan: Possibly

Lisa: woah woah woah. You can’t say this is resolved and then use a word like, “possibly”

Bryan: I think we really need to see what all the bills are going to be. We can’t speculate on what our expenses are going to be until we get in the new place and set up account sand see what they cost. Then we can break it down based on what we can handle.

Lisa: Alright, I like that. And we decided no joint checking accounts. That’s too much right now, right?

Bryan: I think so. Down the road that will definitely probably be what we do.

Lisa: Right, once we decide how many children we want.

Bryan: Haha. Right. Then we can figure out how much each kid will pay for utilities!
I currently pay for all those things in my place on my own. You share them with roommates. So if you continue paying what your share breaks down to I will still probably be playing less than I do now, so we could easily split the savings difference.

Lisa: That sounds like a plan. How about how many days we spend together a week?

Bryan: Oh yeah, all of them. We are going to be living together!!!

Lisa: Right! So it’s cool that we do our own thing after work, and meet back at home at night

Bryan: You will still have your girls nights, and I will still have my plans and then yes we will meet back at home. Plus we have already discussed that date nights will not go away. We already found ourselves in a couch TV surfing routine and remedied it by planning a date night. I never want to stop having nights where you put on a dress and I get to take you out. I love those nights

Lisa: Me too!! I hope we’re not being too naive about this, but I feel like we’re in a really good space. We’ve both discussed that this is a much more mature relationship that anything we’ve ever been in before

Bryan: Very much so.

Lisa: What about goals? My goal is to pay off all my debt.

Bryan: My goal is to get my car paid off ASAP and then use that money to start saving for the future. I have no retirement plan now and want to change that. I like that you have a 401K.

Lisa: Yes! I like that, too. But I have about $10,000 in my 401K now and in retirement terms, that’s nothing!

Bryan: We have many more years of working ahead of us. We’ll be fine.
Truthfully, when going through this list I found a lot of these things had come up naturally in conversation already

Lisa: I think both of us were ready to kinda “settle down” (gag me) when we met, so a lot of this stuff was on our minds

Bryan: Very true. And like I told you when we talked about Katie’s list, that I want to have our own list. Every relationship is different and we’ve gone up against some things that weren’t included here.

Lisa: Right! Like, who lights the menorah? And, are we going to have a Christmas tree? Religion stuff has been important to me, and while it’s not on Katie’s list, it’s on our list.

Bryan: Very true. That was one of the big things we tackled first. I’m getting pretty good at my menorah prayers – and in Hebrew, at that.

Lisa: You are! Santa will reward you. So… last question on the list. What do we do if we break up?

Bryan: Well I get Henry. [Henry is Lisa's very large cat who is always wearing at least one item of clothing. He has one of those robot cat bathrooms because she hates him.]

Lisa: Hmmm… Fine by me. He gets hairballs twice a week. Enjoy.

Bryan: And I guess if we break up you will just throw all my stuff on the lawn and burn it. Isn’t that how it works?

Lisa: I guess we need to find a place with a lawn.

Bryan: Honestly, I know where Katie’s heading, but it seems a little weird to have a break up plan. We probably shouldn’t be moving in together if we are already putting that plan together.

Lisa: Fair! I don’t want to talk about breaking up.

Bryan: Me neither.

Lisa: Hey – do you want pizza tonight, or the left over lasagna?

Bryan: Maybe both.

Lisa: Ok cool. Let’s heat that up and watch some UFC.

Bryan: FIGHT NIGHT!!!!!! (not with each other, on the TV)

Lisa: I love you, Bryan.

Bryan: I love you too.

Logan: (pukes)

Lisa and Bryan live in LA. This is their story. 

Lisa and Bryan are Moving In Together, and maybe you are, too.  Mazel tov! My husband and I have been there, I can’t help but want to help them. The key to a smooth transition is talking openly about everything that is going to come up before it comes up. So I made them a list of questions to talk about. It’s loooong. In the interest of not getting overwhelmed, I think that more smaller conversations are better than one big conversation. Actually that should be a disclaimer: Do not try to talk about these all at once. Take your time. Have many conversations.

ROOMMATE STUFF

1. Will you pay for a house cleaner?
After five years of living together, we just started doing this, and it’s a godsend. I felt guilty about it before—I mean, I have the free time in which I COULD be cleaning, I just really don’t want to spend it that way. Plus the place was never as dust-free as I’d like it. But it still feels weird to employ someone to clean up after you.

2. Even if you do pay for a house cleaner, how will you divide the other duties?
House cleaners just dust, sweep, and clean kitchens & bathrooms, basically.  So there’re plenty of other odd jobs someone has to do. My husband does the laundry; I cook (mostly); we do grocery shopping together; and we switch off on garbage and dish duty. I hate doing dishes, and I think that’s the chore he resents the most, too, so we have to work hard to make sure neither of us feels things are out of whack.  It IS a little hard to think that housecleaning is not some sort of barter because my husband’s income (as a lawyer) is more than mine (as a grad student) and his time is less flexible. But I’m getting over it!

3. Dietary stuff and food: Do either of you have any restrictions? Will you both eat the restricted diet, or will you make separate meals? Will you do your grocery shopping together?

4. If you both get up at the same time and need to leave the house at the same time WHO GETS TO BE IN THE SHOWER FIRST?
May require one of you go dirty hippie for the day, depending on how much time has been allowed.

5a. Decorating. Do you need new furniture? What do you get/ who does the internet research/ who chooses it / who actually goes and picks up the thing?
We jointly make almost all decisions, but which one of us initiates alternates. On a related note: joint purchases? Individual purchases?

5b. What do you do with your book and media collections?
We are old-skool and still have many bound dead trees (1000s) and obsolete plastic discs (also 1000s), and it’s only a slight exaggeration to say that the merging of the CDs into a unified, alphabetized-by-genre system was about as big a commitment as getting married.  There’s no going back.

RELATIONSHIP STUFF

1. How many nights a week will you spend together?
This was…not a thing for my husband and me. We were pretty serious pretty fast and have spent nearly every evening together during the years we have been in the same city. But I’ve had plenty of friends have to negotiate how much independent time they get to hang out with friends or go to drawing class or book club.

Related question: Will you eat dinner together? Another related question: If you’re both in the apartment but need alone time, how do you deal?  Read a book in the bath tub? (Must have bath tub.)

2. How will you spend the time you spend together?
When you’re not living together, it’s pretty natural to plan an activity as an excuse to get together. (Let’s have a picnic in the park!) It’s also sometimes nice to plan to make dinner at home and watch a netflick just to be together. But when you are living together, it is very easy to get sucked in to just vegging at home, which can feel kind of gross after a while.

I have really enjoyed having joint hobbies with my husband. We took a darkroom class together and go on photo-taking expeditions around LA. (FUN!) We go to the farmer’s market. We jog together on the weekends. We plan trips together. Having the activities be joint means both of us get to share in them together—I’ve seen other friends have disagreements when one of them has an expensive hobby (skiing, scuba diving, fancy cocktails out…) that the other doesn’t partake in. It’s a balance to strike.

3.  Who keeps your joint social calendar?
It is easy to say to your mutual friends, “Hey, partner and I should have dinner with you sometime.” And then you make a plan over the water cooler, and mutual friend and you are all settled on it, until it’s the day of and you tell partner and s/he is, like, “But I told someone else we could see them tonight!” Our solution: shared Google calendar.  This also goes for where we spend which holidays where and booking plane tickets and things. Either make a mental note to talk about it or send an email as soon as you think of it.  Actually, Google docs for all kinds of things.  We also have a running grocery/drugstore list and a list of chores to take care of at home.

4. What’s your timeline?
Having seen friends do the dating/move in together/get engaged/get married in under a year and a half and others stretch it out to ten years has shown me that people can have different timelines. Personally, I think talking about TOO much all at once and up front puts unnecessary pressure on a relationship, but it’s still something to be aware of. My husband and I these days tend to bring up big scary next moves over dinner and say, hey, you’re scared of this thing, and I am, too, but it’s out there, and let’s agree on a time horizon, then we can confront the big scariness together. Engagement and marriage planning, house buying, kid having. There will always be something looming in the distance.

5. Do you need a hello/goodbye routine?
OK, this sounds weird and micro-manage-y, but just hear me out. My husband and I kiss goodbye every morning when the first one of us leaves and hello every evening when the second of us arrives home.  It is what we do. My sister and her husband? Do not notice when one or the other leaves or arrives. They can have both been in the apartment for an hour before they actually interact. I think if I did that to my husband, he would think I was mad at him. So just, y’know, sort it out so there’s no miscommunication.

6. Privacy.
There are some things which happen inside a relationship which need to be aired out with friends (hundreds of them on the interweb!) and other things which are nobody’s business.  Agree on where the line gets drawn.

FINANCIAL STUFF – SHORT TERM

1. Whose name are the bills in and who pays them? Like, who opens the envelope and cuts the check or logs in to the website and types in the numbers?

2. How do you deal with joint expenses? Cut each other a check each time something comes up? Keep tabs each month and cut the check at the end?  Get a joint checking account and jointly contribute to it?
It took me a long time to work up to it, but I have to say, joint checking account is THE BEST. It is just so nice and comforting to not worry about keeping track—or cashing each other’s checks. We only have joint accounts at this point, actually. All paychecks are direct deposited to the joint checking, all bills get paid out of it (including credit cards, which are also joint), and there’s a twice monthly transfer to savings (also joint). Retirement plan contributions are withheld pre-tax.

3. What percentage of your budget do you spend on nonessential lifestyle stuff, especially food and booze?
This is one where we legitimately had to compromise early on. My husband would order take out or actually go to a restaurant six nights out of seven, I think, if left to his own devices. It makes my soul hurt not to have a home cooked meal most nights. I always chalked this up to our upbringings—his in Manhattan, mine in small town-Southeast. But we had to really talk it out. Nowadays we cook or have leftovers probably four or five nights and do something else the other two or three (which are not always the weekend ones). I think both of us have come to like this balance better than either of the extremes.

4. Spending.
When the marriage part draws closer, let’s say sometime after you get engaged, it’s probably worthwhile to talk about percentages of money spent on non-food and things, like clothes, personal care, furnishings, electronics, concerts and movies, and travel.  It’ll probably work itself out, honestly, but best to keep communication lines open in order to preempt bitterness.

FINANCIAL STUFF – LONG TERM

1. What does your balance sheet look like?
Regardless of how early it is, a serious taking stock of all debts and assets and income is a good idea.  We didn’t do this until, oh, a few months before we were married, so it’s lucky neither of us had any surprises!

2. What are your goals?
Pay off the credit card and student loans? Travel? Buy a flat screen TV or a sofa? Buy a house? Go back to school? Save for retirement?

3. What is your plan for meeting your goals?  Do you have a budget?
I find a rough estimate of percentages of expenditures in various categories along with pretty regular checking in to Mint.com to be really useful.

4. Carrying the burden.
I think it’s worthwhile to have some shared vision about roles. At the moment, it sounds like Bryan has less debt and more income than Lisa. Is that a forever thing?  Is that ok with each of you?  You can pause and let that one sink in.

For us, rotating is what makes sense. I worked while my husband was in law school. He is working now while I am in a Ph.D. program. He may scale back into something with less demanding hours and lower pay when I’m out and take on my career-trajectory job, or maybe he will become the primary caretaker of our future kid(s). To us, it feels fair. But to some other people, even if there’s no trading off, if each person is happy in their career, it feels fair. In the end, it’s up to you, but you both have to be in agreement. You also have to have a plan if one of you loses your job or goes through a dry spell.

And just one final note: There is nothing innate to a person about being “bad with money” or “never being able to earn money.”  Those are all choices. I have picked up new, good habits from my husband, and I think he has learned some things about financial management from me.  If all goes well, you can bring out the best in each other.

OTHER STUFF

I think it would be irresponsible not to at least mention that moving in together can bring up a whole host of other issues not directly related to how you spend you money: How do you show affection? Where are you spending the holidays? How do you deal with your families in general—in stressful situations, in ill health, just when you want to see your nieces and nephews all the time? What part does faith play in your life, if any? Do you want to have kids? How do you want to raise the kids? How will you decide where to move, if one or both of you wants to move? What kind of a career do you want to have? Sex—all the questions. How do you want to confront health issues? What would you do if you broke up?

Now that I’ve written all these out, they seem really overwhelming.

Maybe you don’t have to know all the answers right away.  Maybe it’s better for some of them to come up organically.  Sure, in hindsight, I could point to friends who were surprised by any of these issues and ran into problems in their relationships. But it’s also fine, I think, to take things one step at a time and to know that most decisions are reversible. You can find a new apartment. You can sell the table you hate and buy a new one. You can spend the holidays apart and be unhappy and together the next year. All it takes to have a successful relationship is communication, compassion, and a willingness to make it work.  Coulda called that one commitment to stay with the alliterative pattern, but that isn’t exactly what I meant.

Katie Wilson lives in L.A. (with her husband). 

Lisa and Bryan are moving in together and, against everyone’s better judgment, are documenting it on the internet. I’m mediating so it isn’t totally them just publishing their personal emails to each other—they’re publishing their personal emails to ME. Lisa’s terrible with money and Bryan is great with money. They are shooting for a February move-in date, but first they have to find a place.

TO: LISA AND BRYAN
FROM: LOGAN
SUBJECT: (no subject)

Are you guys still moving in together or have you come to your senses? Also how did you make this decision in the first place?

TO: LOGAN
FROM: LISA
SUBJECT: Re: (no subject)

Bryan and I first decided to live together one very drunken night in August when our relationship was a very mature four months old. At a wedding after party in San Luis Obispo after countless bottles of wine, a few glasses of scotch and a shameful amount of Jagermeister shots, Bryan asked me to move in. Knowing it was too soon, I told him I was not about to move in with someone unless I knew were … ya know… moving forward in the relationship at some point. He said, “Are you talking about marriage? Oh, don’t worry, I’m going to marry you.” After hours of watching bridesmaids walk down the aisle and father-daughter dancing, that was all it took for me. 

Over the next few days we started discussing the details—the wheres and whats and hows. We came up with a dream apartment with a dream price tag:
2 bedrooms
2 bathrooms
Hardwood floors
Central Air
Dishwasher
Laundry in the unit
Some sort of yard and/or patio
A stable for the pony I’m going to get

And we decided all that was fairly worth about $2000/month. Assuming we’d split that evenly, that seemed doable to me. I am currently paying about $800/month to live in a spacious 3-bedroom in West Hollywood, with roommates. What’s a couple hundred more a month? Especially for all those amenities. Done and done.

That was… until we started looking. By the looks of Craigslist and some other website rental agencies, we might have been aiming a bit too high. We live in Los Angeles. Sure, there are neighborhoods where a $2000 2-bedroom exists, but I’m not willing to start carrying a gun to get the mail (or live in the valley). And that’s when the financial shame spiral hit.

I remembered—for the first time in this process—that I am in debt and moving costs money. The last month’s rent, the security deposit, the movers. Where is that money going to come from?? It started seeming really irresponsible to throw away an extra $2,400 a year. That’s $2,400 that could go toward that debt. $2,400 that could go to a few weekend getaways a year. $2,400 for all that pony maintenance.

And thus started my semi-annual financial breakdown. What fantastic timing! You know, that time every few months when I realize I need to be making at least $200,000 a year to live the life I want to live (and am irresponsibly already living). Luckily, this time when my mind started spinning to the point of nausea, I was able to turn to my friend, partner, and future roommate, Bryan, to help me off the ledge.

I’m really lucky that even though Bryan doesn’t have my financial woes, he’s still able to sympathize with money freakouts. He agreed that there is no reason for us to spend more than we’re paying now. We decided to downsize our expectations. We can live in one bedroom, right? We can deal with doing our laundry in some communal space like we do now. We can get more window fans and do dishes by hand if need be. We can let the pony sleep in the bathtub.

We’re now looking for something in the $1600-$1800 range. We’re not looking in my neighborhood, which, unless you get in to a rent controlled place like mine, is pretty pricey. Our dream home is looking less like a fantasy, but we’ll both be there, right? So how can it be bad? LOVE MAKES PEOPLE SETTLE FOR LESSER THINGS!!

Plus, at a one-year-old’s birthday party this weekend Bryan promised to build me a house some day. Other people’s momentous events make him really romantic and generous. I can’t wait to go to our first funeral together.

TO: LISA
FROM: LOGAN
SUBJECT: Re: Re: (no subject)

“Oh don’t worry, I’m going to marry you” !?!??!?!?!
That’s not real life. That’s movie dialogue. I’m very proud of you for putting off moving in together immediately. Nobody is sane in the first few months of a relationship, and I’m glad you recognized it.

TO: LOGAN
FROM: LISA
SUBJECT: DEALBREAKER!?!?!?!?!?

Today I was in traffic for 80 minutes. It usually takes 20 to get to work. I finally got to the intersection where the problem was stemming—it was a huge water main break at the corner of Bryan’s block. So my first instinct was to call Bryan and tell him so he could take another route. And what did he say? “Oh, I saw it when I walked out my apartment so I took the freeway” AND YOU DIDN’T THINK TO TELL ME???????????????

So I realize we need to budget for an larger couch for him to sleep on some nights.

TO: LISA
FROM: LOGAN
SUBJECT: Re: DEALBREAKER!?!?!?!?!?

You didn’t CC Bryan on this, I noticed.

TO: LOGAN
FROM: LISA
SUBJECT: Re: Re: DEALBREAKER!?!?!?!?!?

No I can’t wait until it goes up and he sees how mad I am at him.

TO: LISA
FROM:LOGAN
SUBJECT:  Re: Re: Re: DEALBREAKER!?!?!?!?!?

Oh jesus christ this experiment is already going awry. Forward this to your boyfriend before it goes on the internet.

TO: LOGAN
FROM: BRYAN

Lisa and I can be easily distracted by marathons of R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet, so knowing we needed something to write about forced us to start having the conversations we needed to have—well, that and Lisa’s semi-annual financial breakdown.

I admit I did ask Lisa to move in while under the influence of a few adult beverages, but love was in the air, we were at a wedding for God’s sake. They say drunk words are sober truths and that is definitely the case here. I had been thinking about asking Lisa to move in with me for a little while, but I knew it was quick and was afraid that it would scare her, so it took a little liquid courage to actually ask.

As Lisa mentioned, we had our first big discussion, which was about managing expectations. I have been thinking about moving into a bigger place for a while now but haven’t because I didn’t want to increase my monthly expenses. All of sudden when we started talking about moving in together I was all for spending more a month, the opposite of what I thought would happen if I ever lived with someone.

When we talked, we realized that while a few hundred more a month than we pay now doesn’t seem like a lot, that money could easily pay for vacations (I am currently working on taking Lisa to Paris next year – shhhhhh….), etc. An extra bedroom would be nice but sacrificing travel and fun for a room that will be empty most of the time doesn’t make sense. We’re going to have to compromise on a few things from our wish list, like making the pony sleep in the bathtub, but we will get those things as we move into better places over the years.

We also talked about the upfront costs that come with moving. First and last months’ rent, security, movers, etc. (Aren’t we too old to ask our friends to help us move?) That all adds up quickly. Lisa is concerned about where the money to cover these costs will come from. Fortunately, I’m currently in a financial situation that would allow me to cover most of the moving costs. I was hesitant though, to offer to take care of these costs because Lisa and I are both independent people, and it has taken awhile for her to accept me just paying for dinner when we go out. I made the offer and as expected Lisa declined—she indeed wants to contribute evenly.

This has been the hardest part for me because I respect Lisa and her wanting this to be an even partnership, but I was also raised watching my father provide for my family and me and I just want to do the same. I know money’s tighter for her than me right now, and I’d rather her not put herself in more debt to cover these costs when I have the ability to help. While she feels like me paying for these costs indebts her to me, I disagree—these are cost for starting our life together so these costs are ours. I feel like the money should come from wherever it is available. I foresee a lot more conversations on the topic in the future. We look forward to telling you all about them!

P.S. About the couch…we are not buying a new couch. We have discussed the things we’ll have to buy for the new place and replacing a perfectly good couch is not on that list! Besides, that couch is plenty big and comfortable enough for Lisa me to sleep on.

TO: LOGAN
FROM: LISA
SUBJECT: Billfold Idea? Maybe?

Hi!!! How are you? Staying warm? Dry? Is everyone around you safe? Are you so very happy that you moved before this huge natural disaster and now you’re not holed up in an apt you think has bedbugs (even though you know, logically, there are no bedbugs, but the idea that there could have been bedbugs at some point skeezed you out)???

Anyway. Bryan and I are moving in together next year—despite the stern warnings from my therapist that this will destroy our relationship. (Shut up Terry! You don’t know me!!…. ok, fine, you know me very well. I pay you a lot to know me, but STILL!! Don’t tell my heart what to do.)

Last night we had a conversation about what we’ll need for the new apartment. I mentioned new dishes. He thinks that’s absurd. We have dishes!! The idea of packing and moving them sounds annoying, but I know he’s right. We’ll move our dishes. We’ll move the furniture we have (although most of mine is shared with roommates so I don’t really own it so I guess we’ll move his furniture), and we’ll move the decor and appliances we have. There is really no need to buy new stuff. Hmph.

But it  got me thinking about how this is going to work out. 

Bryan makes more money than me, but only when he’s working (he’s a freelance producer). He has no debt (that I know of?). He regularly valets his car before looking for street parking. He usually pays for my dinner when we go out. He has more shoes than I do (even though they are usually bought at Target ). He pays all his bills by hand!! Like, opens the mail and writes and check and knows how much the gas bill is. I am terrible with money. I have $30,000 in student loans and credit card debt. I buy designer purses and put them on a credit card. I consider trips to India in the middle of a recession. I’ve been paying for Netflix for 5 months without having ever streamed a movie from them. It’s automatically deducted and I don’t see it happening. What money!?

In a few months, we’re going to have to make this work. We’ll have to compromise his non-cable having and my housekeeper-using financials. It’s going to be interesting. Well, at least for me. We were wondering if we could share the journey with your readers.

Also, think of how cathartic it will be when the final contribution is an article about us breaking up and people can throw pity at me via the comments and make me feel better about myself.

Love you!!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa

TO: LISA
FROM: LOGAN
SUBJECT: Re: Billfold Idea? Maybe?

Dear Lisa,

I think that documenting your moving together for the website is a terrible idea for you, Bryan, and your relationship, but a great idea for me. Thanks for suggesting it. I expect your next dispatch soon.

Love (ALWAYS), logan x

P.S. That’s not really how comments work. But I’ll throw pity at you, sure.

TO: LOGAN
FROM: BRYAN
SUBJECT: (NO SUBJECT)

Hey Logan,

Lisa told me that you are on board with us documenting our move in together.

For me, this is the first time I will be living with someone—and I don’t just mean someone I was in a relationship with. Since I moved out of my parents’ house I have always lived alone and never had roommates, so this will mark my first cohabitation experience. I’m excited, but it also leaves me with a few questions: How are we going to split the bills? How much rent can we each afford to pay?

What Lisa said is true, I am debt free, other than the last $8,000 I owe on my car. I pay off my credit card at the end of every month. I watch my money closely but I’m not stingy. I do go to the valet without checking for street parking (the convenience is worth it to me) and I try to always pay when we go out. I feel like, as a man, if I can afford to pay, I want to. However, I have also always lived in a studio apartment, buy most things on sale, and cut my own hair, so it all seems to even out.

Lisa told me about her debt. Although she seems to think she will be paying it off for the rest of her life, I disagree. $30,000 seems like a huge amount, but I paid almost that much for my car and the payments have been very manageable. So the debt she thinks is a lifetime’s burden I don’t find that daunting. I think she expected me to be a little more scared of her debt.  But I have really tried to adopt the philosophy we are what our past has made us. If it cost $30,000 to make her the person she is today, I think she is worth every penny.

I’m glad that we’re having these discussions now and I’m excited to figure it all out. I just hope Terry doesn’t get too mad.

Bryan

TO: BRYAN
FROM: LOGAN
SUBJECT: um i thought i was the fake therapist here

Dear Bryan,

Tattooing that last line on my chest, brb. Also I can’t believe you’ve never had a roommate. Lucky that Lisa gets to be your first one. logan x

Lisa and Bryan live in LA.