• A necklace from Etsy with her birthstone as a charm and my first initial as a charm so we would always be together. I thought that was cute. But it was very short, like a choker, so she doesn’t wear it because shes not in The fucking Craft.

• One million items of clothing and accessories that I thought would be relevant to her, but ended up being too small, too big, wrong color and promptly returned, with the refund returned to me, because she hates when I spend money on her.

• $30 gift card to LOFT (she loves LOFT)

It’s just a few days after Thanksgiving, and we’re already deep in the season of the holiday gift guide. Every year, I read just about all of them out of equal parts sick fascination and sheer desperation re: my own lack of ideas. I marvel at all the collections of grilling accessories and floral scarves and feel like an alien because, seriously, who wants that stuff? For him, we have electronic bacon gum. For her, how about bath salts made from real human tears? No?