I had some new experiences on Saturday, and I’d like to tell you about them. I was the first person to show up for breakfast, was one new experience.  I looked at a minibar tray of candy and didn’t even consider eating any of it, was another. And the biggest one of all: I cancelled an ATM transaction because the fee was too high.

Punctual brunch happened because I overestimated the amount of time it would take me to get to breakfast WHILE AT THE SAME TIME my friend underestimated. It was  a great confluence of events. Being early is super. I’m going to try it more often.

The minibar resistance occurred after breakfast. We went back to my friend’s fancy hotel so that I could marvel at its fanciness (it was fancy). While hanging out in her hotel room, looking at prominently placed minibar, I recalled another minibar of my life, and thought about how far I’d come. Then, I’d eaten expensive M&Ms  and thought, I’ll deal with this later. Now I looked at the expensive M&Ms and snubbed them. 

Did I still want the M&Ms? Some M&Ms, sure. But those M&Ms, no. I had no urge to grab the bag. The “touch sensitive device” that “automatically charged … any item removed from minibar for more than 20 seconds” may as well have been threatening to blow the room up, is how much I didn’t even think of eating those M&Ms. “I don’t even want that candy,” I said to Lisa. “Me either. Though I do want to experiment with the touch-sensitive device.” She grabbed the bag of M&Ms from its touch-sensitive perch and put it on the counter. “But what if it charges you?” “I’ll pay $5 for science.” I thought this to be crazy. And then I realized how crazy it was that I thought it was crazy. Five dollars was NOTHING, my former self thought. But now … it was crazy. For candy or for science.

On the way out I stopped at the ATM in the lobby of the fancy hotel so I could have funds in case of an emergency (ice cream truck,  cocktail, cab ride). I swiped my card,  and indicated I wanted $60. And then: “This ATM charges a fee of $3.95 in addition to any charges from your financial institution.”

I paused. Could I do it? I was just one push of a button away from having $60 in my hands and not having to find another ATM, but: I COULD NOT DO IT. I cancelled my transaction. Who would pay that, you might wonder. Well, me, up until that moment. If you’re going to pay $2 plus the $1 from your own bank, $4 plus the dollar from your own bank is actually quite negligible, one might argue. And also probably everyone sitting in the lobby of the hotel. They all looked European and rich as hell.

I didn’t get the cash. I didn’t buy the ice cream. I walked along Central Park East and then I went to the Met, because it showed up right in front of me. Suggested admission is $25. The lady asked the dude in front of me, “Is $25 alright?” He said, “Yes.” I would have said, “No,” but bypassed the question by walking up to the counter and saying, “I’d like to pay $5.”  I handed over my card, got my button, and went to see some art. I didn’t think about M&Ms the rest of the day. Later, in a bar across town, I used an ATM with a $1.95 service charge. Some might still cringe at that, but for me, right now, it felt fine.

For the past few months, I’ve been putting varying degrees of effort into the task of switching my bank account to a bank that works in New York (my current bank only works in New York if I undertake an epic journey or pay a zillion fees). I have finally opened a new account and set up direct deposit for that account, but I still don’t have a debit card for that account because I don’t know. It hasn’t come yet and I called and it still hasn’t come.
Sometimes I was going to the end of the earth to use the free ATM, but mostly I was not doing that, instead using any old ATM and getting charged $2.50 or whatever upfront and then another $2 from my bank. Which is dumb! And yet seemed fine to me until I got this new fee-less account. Even though I can’t access it, knowing that I’m so close to not having to pay those fees makes me really not want to pay those fees.

Which is why I felt like a SUPER GENIUS the other day at Walgreen’s when the swipe-machine asked: “CASH BACK?”

WHY DID I NOT THINK OF THIS BEFORE?! Getting cash back from grocery stores and pharmacies is free and amazing and great and wonderful! Sometimes you can only get $20. But then you just buy another candy bar, and you can get twenty more dollars. So that’s your sweet tip of the day: Next time you’re about to pay an ATM fee, walk a block to Duane Reade. You could even buy something you actually need (toenail clippers? cotton balls) if you’re into that, though: the candy bars are right there.

LIES.

People love credit unions. There was a time when I loved my credit union, too! They gave me a great rate when I bought my car, and then another great rate when I refinanced my car. The people who worked there were nice and wonderful, and I could walk there from my house.  And perhaps best of all, when I lost my debit card (which was/is somewhat often), I could just pop into the credit union and get a new one AND a lollipop.

There are only a handful of ATMs in the city that I can use without fees, and only four that I can use to deposit checks, but two of those are RESTRICTED ACCESS and I can’t actually use them. Which leaves:  the one in a 7-11 near the Port Authority (NOPE) and the other one. The other one is, conveniently, close to the office! But “convenient” is also a total misnomer, because accessing the ATM  involves :

1. Going to Madison Square Garden (terrible).
2. Standing in line in the lobby of an office building there so I can talk to the dude at the desk.
3. Being told I’m in the wrong line and waiting for the wrong dude.
4. Getting in the right line, waiting for the right dude.
5. Signing in with the dude, giving the dude my driver’s license (add in another 2 minutes here for me to find my driver’s license).
6. Getting escorted to the elevator bay.
7. Taking the elevator up the twelfth floor.
8. Walking down a long, dark hallway.
9. Using my temporary pass to open a set of doors.
10. Continuing down a longer, darker hallway. There are never any humans in this hallway. Or the other hallway. Where are the humans? What is going on?
11. Approaching the ATM.
12. Making my deposit, and having it rejected. Trying again, and having it work. (This has happened four times. WHY?)
13. And then doing it allllllllll in reverse.

This is cumbersome. It is annoying, and on days like today when THE ATM IS OUT OF ORDER, it will not stand. I passed no fewer than four big banks on my way back to the office. Big banks with ATMs and branches all over the city and the world. I’m going to join one of them next week.

Photo Credit: flickr/thedarkthing

I divulged yesterday (and everyday of my life) that I’m an idiot with my own money, mostly, a truth manifesting itself this week by my having spent a chunk of my rent money on bodega coffee, ice cream, and tips. Just wanted to update any and all concerned parties that this morning I asked a friend (who I’ve known for … maybe a month?) to lend me $100, so I’m good. I’m gold. (He is also of the school of being dumb with money, but I knew he just got paid. Also, is this how junkies do it?)

He was like, “You’re good for it, right?” (“Right”), then hit the ATM, where he requested a withdrawal of $100 and was given $120. See? Everything works out for everyone, always. Sometimes it pays (your friends) to be irresponsible. And I get to carry on doing what I do without consequences for another day.

PS I am usually the most honest of honests, but I am also 100 percent in favor of it being totally cool for my friend to pocket that twenty. Mike Dang, counterpoint?

Why you might want to figure this out: You know what’s ridiculous? Paying money to use your bank. You know does it? Me, you, and most people we know. (You know who doesn’t do it? Mike Dang.) There are ways to get around this and not pay bank fees, but sounds like a task and a half. So for now, we’ll just figure out how big of a deal this is. Maybe we’re okay with the fees we’re paying for our banks? Maybe it’s worth a few bucks enough to not have to deal with account transfers and reassigning direct deposits and automatic withdrawals and bill pay and PayPal accounts and ALL THAT MESS?! Unclear, right now. And also, unimportant. First: the facts!

How to do it: You have some options. If you’re getting charged fees all the time (ahem), you can just look through your bank account and take notes. Alternatively, you can try to find the information on your bank’s website, but good luck with that. Banks are totally cagey on their websites about their fees.  Another option is getting a human on the phone and asking that human to tell you all the fees on your accounts. This seems like a pretty good bet. But then you have to talk to someone, so … that’s a last resort.

What I figured out from searching “fee” in my transaction history for the last three months: 
Fee for using online bill pay:
$3.95 x3
Total: $11.85

Overdraft transfer fee:
$3 x0 (so far)
Total: $0

Bounced check fee:
$30, $0 (so far)
Total: $0

Fee from my bank for using another bank’s ATM:
$2.00 x6
Total: $12

Fee from other banks for using their ATMs: Varies!
$2.00 x2
$1.50 x2
$1.85
$3 (AT A BANK OF AMERICA, THIS IS BULLSHIT)
Total: $11.85

Total fees paid during three months:
$35.70

Which:
Is not a small amount of money.
I might have to do something about this.
But not right now, obviously.