How Wizards Do Money: Sybill Trelawney

Sybill Trelawney knew she was going to retire before she did.

Most people know they’re going to retire before they do, but Sybill felt like she knew it, like it had been written in air and sent around the world via radio wave. She would retire in the early 2010s, and so she bid her farewell at the end of term in Spring 2014, the last possible date she could choose and make the prediction still accurate.

(Sybill preferred her predictions to be accurate.)

Sybill realized, once she left teaching, that she did not know where her money would come from. So she drank a cup of tea. She still didn’t know where her money would come from.

Books That Are Worth The Money

1) Books you have read already, perhaps via the library, that you know that you will want to reread

2) Books that activate the release of serotonin in your brain simply by the sight of their spines because you love them so much

3) Books with pretty spines

4) Books with pretty titles

5) Books that help define your tastes, opinions, and proclivities to strangers who might be in your apartment and looking at your shelves

6) Children’s books, because you will read each of them ten zillion times until you have them memorized and can rattle them off while walking down the street. “Up! Up! The sun is getting up! The sun gets up, so up with you! Up ear #1, ear #2!”

7) Reference-y books that you can reach out for in times of need, like Bird by Bird

8) Anything by Anne Lamott, really

How Wizards Do Money: Rita Skeeter

After talking to Rolf Scamander and Luna Lovegood, my next step was to seek out Rolf’s colleague at the Daily Prophet—“colleague is a loose word,” Rolf said—the gossip columnist and human-interest writer Rita Skeeter.

“I don’t just do human interest,” Rita said. “I write centaur interest, snake interest, ghost interest, anyone who’s interested, I’ll write for them.”

The curls in her hair twitched a little, as if she were sniffing me out. I reassured her that I, too, was a hack writer.

“Then you know how it is,” Rita said. “Always having to scrabble around for money.”

How Wizards Do Money: Neville Longbottom

If Neville Longbottom and Hannah Abbott were Muggles, they would be considered DINKs.

However, the wizarding world doesn’t quite have a word for a dual-career couple who have chosen to remain childfree, and so Neville and Hannah are anomalies, spending their days managing Herbology classrooms and Leaky Cauldrons, respectively, and ignoring the continuous hints that it might be time for the two of them to think about settling down and procreating.

To Refund or Not to Refund, A Tumblr Message Exegesis

Tumblr user stephanieshift -- O Stephanie, I don't want to haunt your Google results forever and I'm sorry, hopefully this is not your real name, though I suspect it is and you are just that foolish -- sent Bad Feminist author Roxane Gay a little message in her Ask Box yesterday.

How Wizards Do Money: Ron Weasley

Ron and Hermione’s children were at least one-third Muggle, or something like that—maths were never Ron’s strong suit—and Hermione insisted they spend as much time with their Muggle grandparents as they did with the Weasleys. Since he and Hermione spent nearly every Sunday dinner at his parents’ house, that meant he also spent a lot of time watching Hermione zoom away in her little silver Prius, Rose and Hugo in back, on their way to London.

How Wizards Do Money: Luna Lovegood

As soon as you approach Luna Lovegood and Rolf Scamander’s home, which totters over itself as if it were a hollow tree, a nest, and a burrow simultaneously, you know you are about to meet a family who doesn’t quite do things in the usual way.

How Wizards Do Money: Draco Malfoy

Draco knows that people with as much money as the Malfoy family generally don’t think about it too much; instead, they hire people to think about their money for them.

But Draco does a lot of thinking.

The Malfoy family fortune is not properly his, in that if he truly wanted to take the majority of the funds and rebuild Hogwarts—which was on his mind, a decade ago—he would have to go through nests of executors and conclaves of relatives.

And Hogwarts got rebuilt anyway.

How Wizards Do Money: Cho Chang

Cho never told her husband. She got used to standing up and walking over to whatever she wanted, instead of saying “accio coffee cup!” It was really less about getting used to it than it was about forgetting, and Cho wanted to forget.

How Wizards Do Money: Bill and Fleur Weasley

The first time Bill and Fleur fought over money, it was when Fleur was pregnant with their first child.