What The Last Five Feature Films I Saw Taught Me About Money

I am Groot.

Spoilers below.

Guardians of the Galaxy: In the future, money will be called “units” and will be instantly transferable from one person to another, I guess by telepathy or or telepathic internet or something. Everyone will be obsessed with getting as many units as possible even though there’s no reason to buy anything. You will only need one outfit and you’ll wear it all the time, and nobody ever goes grocery shopping in space. Also, Walkmans last for decades without ever wearing out or running out of batteries.

Even though there’s no real reason to have units, people (and raccoons) will still do a lot of stupid things to get as many units as possible.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: If you are a rich person, you’ll do everything that you can to increase your net worth, including releasing a deadly toxin over New York City and then attempting to sell the government the antidote (which is conveniently made from Ninja Turtle blood). You also invest a lot of money into a mecha suit for a mob boss, for reasons unknown.

If you are a Ninja Turtle, you’ll outfit your home with used furniture (including an entire wall of boomboxes) and somehow have enough money to order out for pizza even though you don’t have a job.

Boyhood: Money doesn’t necessarily buy happiness, but it does buy stability, and life is much easier to deal with when it’s stable. In many ways you really do become a different person when you have enough money to provide for yourself and your family on your own. The middle class is a precarious place. So much of adulthood is about earning money and forming relationships with people who can help increase your family’s stability. You can lose everything you’ve earned, again and again and again.

A Most Wanted Man: If you are a rich person, you’ll do everything that you can to increase your net worth.

Snowpiercer: Just because a society functions without money doesn’t mean that social inequality disappears. When there aren’t enough resources to go around, there is often the incentive for unequal and unjust distribution. You may think you’ve escaped an unjust system by destroying it, but have fun sharing your limited resources with an apex predator.

---
---
---
---
---

9 Comments / Post A Comment

TheDilettantista (#1,255)

I don’t understand “I fell asleep during Guardians of the Galaxy because it was just that boring.” Who are you and what do you find entertaining? “Guardians of the Galaxy” is the opposite of boring. THERE IS A TALKING HOMICIDAL RACCOON VOICED BY BRADLEY COOPER.

HelloTheFuture (#5,275)

@TheDilettantista I know. I still fell asleep around the time they started listening to “Cherry Bomb” and didn’t wake up until right before the ending. My loss.

Tripleoxer (#5,676)

The Giver is a glaring omission! Money is eliminated for the sake of sameness and equality, but passion, beauty, art, music, etc. have to be sacrificed too.

HelloTheFuture (#5,275)

@Tripleoxer I haven’t seen The Giver! :)

Ooh, this makes me want to list what some recent feature films I’ve seen have taught me about PHYSICS.

Guardians of the Galaxy: A normal human being can survive a thousand-foot fall unscathed so long as he is wrapped in a tree when he lands.

Iron Man: A normal human being can survive a hundred-foot fall unscathed so long as he is wearing armor when he lands.

Avengers: If a normal human being is falling from a great height, they will survive unscathed if somebody or something SLAMS INTO THEM FROM THE SIDE at an astounding velocity before they would otherwise hit the ground, thereby completely harmlessly turning vertical velocity into horizontal velocity.

Transformers: (same as Avengers)

HelloTheFuture (#5,275)

@Glen Raphael@facebook but plenty of people survive skydiving accidents. There was a piece a few weeks ago about a tandem duo who both survived because the trainer took the landing and let his body absorb the force of his partner. She was relatively unscathed, he became a quadriplegic.

Most of those involve one or more chutes partially opening (so they hit at <60mph instead of 120) and still quite serious injury.

Regarding that tandem duo, they had two partial chutes open and the diver who is now relatively unscathed "broke multiple ribs, lost part of a kidney, tore her spleen, damaged her liver and broke five vertebrae in her neck". She needed a couple days of emergency surgery. Had she been a movie character, she would have just said "Ow, that hurt!", collected her thoughts for a bit, and then got up to shake it off and CONTINUE THE FIGHT. (http://www.si.com/edge/2014/07/28/skydiving-accident-unifies-pair-forever )

In the Avengers, one incident I’m thinking of involved The Hulk – who cannot fly – jumping UP to crash into some falling people. Unless The Hulk is as squishy to crash into as the Pillsbury Dough Boy, I’d expect having him “catch” you like that to do substantial internal damage.

I’m all about the g forces, yo.

As a side note, the title “skydiving accident unites pair forever” could have had a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MEANING. :-)

Theestablishment (#7,469)

TMNT, so true, so true.

Comments are closed!