Help, a Direct Mailing For a Cleaning Service Actually Worked On Me And I’m Worried It Will Ruin My Relationship

8392420197_c878e5770a_zDear Life Partner,

I am using the Billfold to tell you that I paid $29 to have someone come clean our apartment in a few weeks, the day before my mom is coming to visit.

I know if I discussed this with you first you would NEVER stand for it, and use it as a way to guilt me into cleaning the house more. I know I am bad at cleaning. I know you are good at cleaning. To make up for my inferior standards of cleanliness, I am investing 29 of my own dollars into two hours of professional service.

DO NOT PROTEST. Or do, but do it as you read this, when I am not around. I am telling you this via the website I work for because I do not want to hear you protest.


As for the rate, it is $29 because I got a flier in the mail from some startup called Handybook which yes, I am worried is VC-funded and underpays their employees. I am not going to Google it for fear I find a Kevin Roose article about it or something. Twenty-nine dollars is an introductory rate. They basically automatically sign you up for recurrent cleanings and it’s up to you to cancel before they come back, and charge you at a higher, more humane rate. I promise I will try to cancel before then.

I know we both feel weird about someone coming in to clean our house. I KNOW. I did not really think this through—$29 seemed like such a great deal! It still does. They say that tax and tip is included but I would like to see a breakdown. They did not provide one. What if they tip badly? Should we leave an extra tip? You will want to.

They’re coming in the afternoon, when I am on baby duty and you are working. Maybe I could have not told you at all. Maybe you would have come back and I could be like, “Oh yeah the baby took a really great nap and I cleaned the whole house for the first time in our four-year relationship!”

I booked the cleaning a few days ago but it was on the same day that I made plans with an old friend, for both of us to have lunch with her and her husband, and I could only break one of these things to you at once. So here it is.

On September 10th someone will be cleaning our house for $29. I am sorry. I love you.



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