You may think retirement is out of reach, and you’re probably right!
To better assess your retirement needs and preparedness, please answer the following simple questions:
1.) I would like to retire at the age of:
a.) 55, as I am already a multi-millionaire who works solely to alleviate the ennui.
b.) A spryish 87.
c.) It all depends on whether or not I’ve saved enough vacation days by 2067 to attend my death.
2.) I’m in my:
a.) 30s, but I have no children, hobbies, student loans, rent, or dietary needs, so I’m ready to start modestly planning ahead.
b.) 50s, with no history of conveniently-timed dead-on-the-spot strokes in my family.
c.) Grave, which we still need to figure out how to pay for.
3.) What sort of lifestyle would you like to maintain in retirement?
a.) Preferably one where I’m working no more than 39 hours/week, at least most weeks.
b.) I’d like to be able to occasionally indulge in a favorite flavor of cat-food.
c.) Primarily indoor-sleeping.
4.) How much would you estimate you’ve currently set aside for retirement?
a.) If you don’t factor in the credit card debt, almost $50.
b.) I have this coupon for $10 off any purchase of $50 or more at the Cheesecake Factory that seems like it could come in handy.
c.) I have…$3.96 in my wallet. But I’m gonna need it back.
5.) Do you have additional funds set aside specifically for major medical expenses?
a.) Not exactly, but I feel confident that I could wrestle the syringe from the doctor, stab him in the neck, then when he’s knocked out, don his clothing and slip out of the hospital completely undetected.
b.) Really, money is only as valuable as we, as a society, collectively believe it to be. Which could really up the value of the $10 I recently found in an old pair of jeans.
c.) Did you hear me when I mentioned that $10 off any $50+ purchase coupon?
6.) I’d like to use my retirement to:
a.) Travel, insofar as I’ll be moving into a trailer which, theoretically, could be moved.
b.) Pursue new interests, like working more.
c.) Engage in immersive research into the black market value of various organs.
7.) If necessary, I’d be willing to give up:
a.) A second home.
b.) A first set of dentures.
8.) Look at your current finances. Do you really know where your money is going?
a.) Mainly towards lottery tickets, but don’t worry, I’ve got a good feeling about this one.
b.) No, which is why I hired that private detective.
c.) If you take the Socratic view on the matter, there’s really no way to EVER know how much I’m spending on Doritos Locos tacos.
9.) Do you want to leave behind any bequests to either family members or a favorite charity?
a.) They’ve already had the joy of my company while I was living, what more could they possibly want?
b.) Sure, and while we’re at it, I want an attractive young personal masseuse who falls in love with my wisdom and enduring charisma, a dog that can serve like a little butler, with trays on his front paws, and functioning genitals. Oh, I’m sorry, did you not have a magic wish-granting genie when you asked that asinine question?
c.) Realistically I won’t have that option, but I’d like there to be a dramatic will-reading anyway.
10.) Do you have a pension?
b.) Is that French? I don’t speak French.
c.) HAHAHAHA – I am still laughing at this.
Jilly Gagnon lives in Somerville, Mass.