Interview With Someone Who Farted In Front of Her Boss

Okay, so you had something traumatic happen to you yesterday. But before we get into the incident itself, can you set the scene? Where were you? Who was present?

It was me and my CEO in his office. We were on a conference call on speaker phone with someone who was interviewing him.

So this was an enclosed space?

Yes, it’s a small office.

And we should point out that you are new to this job, correct?

Yes, six weeks in, still getting to really know the CEO.

And what do you do at this new job?

Well at a startup it’s hard to really nail down, but for the most part: Executive Assistant to the CEO.

Ok so you are in your boss’s office, new to the job, you’re flattered he’s included you in the call. Someone is on speaker phone interviewing him and you’re listening intently, a little nervous someone will ask you a question, wondering if you should chime in…Then what happens?

I farted OUT LOUD. And I have to point out that the interview was only scheduled for one hour, and it happened about two minutes after that allotted hour.

So what you’re saying is technically the hour was over and you should have been already back to your own desk, farting in safety?

Exactly.

But wait. You farted out loud. HOW LOUD?

Loud enough!

No, we need more. What did it sound like? Was it a squeaker, did it bellow?

It was more like a quick, high pitched-pop.

A monosyllabic pop?

Yes. See, I made three-bean chili the night before for the first time…

And you knew you had this call? Rookie mistake.

Well I can handle having gas, but the kind that literally comes out with no warning — no one can prepare for that.

Oh my god. So what did you do — what went through your mind?

“Oh shit.” Not literal shit, I knew I hadn’t shit my pants. But my face got hot and I started to nervous-sweat.

Did you immediately look away or did you look at your boss to see if he saw?

I looked down at my laptop and then looked at him, he was the one talking when the incident occurred so he was distracted.

Oh man. Are you sure? Or maybe you’d prefer not to think about it.

I think he could have just played it off like he didn’t hear but hopefully he was so concentrated at getting his point across that it was tuned out.

I was mostly worried about laughing hysterically out loud and then not being able to stop

Oh my god, maybe that would have been better. But then the person on the call might be like, “What’s so funny?” and your boss would have to say, “Apologies. My assistant farted.”

I may have added a couple coughs in there and noises to offset the fart.

Oh that’s smart. Good strategy.

Nothing too over the top of course. That would just bring attention.

Of course. But wait! Most important question: did it smell?!

No! Thank god!

Someone must have been watching over you that day. Yesterday.

Yeah, I guess in that small space I would prefer a loud fart that could squeak by rather than a SBD where you really could not get away with it

Oh my god. And you both try to pretend it’s not happening…

No, luckily the CEO is very cool/funny. I am pretty much myself 100% of the time, including my sometimes inappropriate humor. I honestly think if he heard it (he probably heard it) AND knew for sure it was a fart, he would have started laughing.

So were it not for the conference call you would have been like, “Um I farted”?

Hmm no, but if I thought he definitely knew I would just laugh out loud and be fine with it.
Embarrassed, but fine with it.

Actually, that brings me to my next question. Do you think there will be a time down the road when you and your boss fart in front of each other openly, without shame?

NO. Meaghan, I don’t think anyone should just fart for fun in front of their boss. Haha. I would not be fine just letting it rip in front of him, but if it happened just the two of us, sans the professional manner of the call we were on, I would just have been less embarrassed.

That is an important clarification. I appreciate that. So to wrap up, not that I couldn’t talk about this all day: Do you have any words of wisdom for those of us who might find us in your situation in the future?

Sure. If you are found out, just own it — I was ready to. I was definitely about to gchat my friend and tell them what happened right then and there but I stopped myself, knowing that it would make me die of laughter. It was like that feeling when I was younger at Mass — you know you are supposed to be being respectful and quiet, one funny thing will have you laughing uncontrollably. So, I am glad I waited to share the embarrassing story until I returned to my desk and I would recommend the same to others.

Solid advice. Well thank you for sharing. A fart in your honor!

Also I hear if you soak your beans overnight, it helps with the aftermath!

I will pass that along to our readers. Thank you.

 

Photo: banjo d

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17 Comments / Post A Comment

halloliebchen (#5,373)

Amazing.

beet hummus (#946)

Wow, I applaud your poise. I would have died.

EDaily (#4,396)

Can’t stop laughing!

muush (#521)

Hilarious!

The audible sigh when I learned it didn’t smell.

Meaghano (#529)

@Steve Dyer@facebook LOL. Disappointed or relieved?

@Meaghano Both! That is why I did not specify. I do not speak German, so I cannot communicate the actual emotion. I just had so many expectations for the trajectory of the narrative, like, how do you keep it together with the client when you’re holding back vomit?

Last week I was gchatted this gif while on a one-on-one call with a client, so I sympathize with this interview more than you know.

BEST GIF

hoorayllamas (#4,179)

This reminds me of this amazing video a cartoonist I love made about Ash Ketchum teaching Pikachu how to disguise a fart. I know, that sounds just..AMAZING WATCH IT, IT IS THE BEST I SWEAR!

http://natazilla.tumblr.com/post/11074050241/this-is-that-thing-i-started-drawing-a-long-time

nutmeg (#1,383)

I farted in a bar once and it smelled so terrible that my friend said, “Ugh, let’s move, someone just farted.” The entire rest of the night I kept sneaking away to fart in the corner so she wouldn’t realize it was me.

beet hummus (#946)

@nutmeg I was in your friend’s position at a concert once… I was making “oh god who farted” faces to my friend all night. It was so crowded we couldn’t move, though. It wasn’t until after the show when we were driving home with all the windows rolled down that I realized my poor friend was actually sick. I felt so bad!!

theunread (#5,511)

DID IT BELLOW????????????????????

A few dates into our burgeoning relationship, I had a bad case of silent but deadly gas in front of my boyfriend. But we were at a sports bar, and he thought it was the guys next to us. He still refers to that bar as the cropdusting place. The bar’s loss, my gain!

Meaghano (#529)

@TrotskyHolds MyiPod HA. Have you admitted the truth to him yet?

@Meaghano Nope!

Hadi Nugraha (#5,589)

LOL. You really made my day.
cara menghilangkan jerawat

eraserface (#1,628)

This is by far my favorite Billfold article ever

jquick (#3,730)

Years ago a guy friend and I went to listen to live music. Place was packed but we managed to make our way to the front of the stage. Buddy then moved from next to me to behind me. A while later I turned to look around and saw that there was literally an open space 6′ in every direction behind buddy. I looked at a woman and gave her a ?? look, she pinched her nose and scrunched up her face. I never mentioned this to buddy, but have wondered how deadly his gas was that it would clear the area.

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