How My Vice Spending Is Going

10. Booze is expensive. It’s easy to spend a lot of money on booze.

9. It’s also easy to spend a lot of money on cigarettes. This is a thing that I started doing recently, because I stopped spending money on booze. Full stop. No more booze. “You gotta die of something,” people say. “Stop smoking,” other people say. Who is correct? I do not know. We are all correct. We are all wrong.

8. The cigarettes that I smoke are expensive. $14.50 a pack. They are very hip cigarettes, I think, because they are additive-free. This sounds like it is a good thing. It is difficult to tell, because they are still poison-sticks that coat your lungs in death. But at least it’s natural death, you know? I remember seeing an ad for them in a magazine when I was in high school and misreading that as “addictive-free.” Do you think that is on purpose?

7. I should probably stop smoking.

6. Like seriously, $14.50?

5. But then again, I didn’t stop drinking because of ‘budgetary constraints.’

4. There are 20 cigarettes to a pack. Let’s say I smoke four a day, that’s five days to get through a pack. That’s an average of I don’t know, something in the order of $23—I dunno, that just seems like a good number—a week on a vice that is definitely not going to last particularly long because I also like to work out and the absurdity of smoking a cigarette after yoga is way too LOL for me to handle for much longer. Anyway, whatever it is, it’s WAY less than I was spending on booze.

3. I should still quit, though. I’ve only just started!

2. It sure is nice though to have a thing where you go stand outside with a group of people for 5-10 minutes away from the noise and confusion of wherever you were together

1. Especially if you are at a bar, which is a place that many people like to socialize, and which is sometimes not always the most fun place to be when you are trying to get and stay sober, but you still want to be with your friends and meet new people, and smoking offers both a reason to take a break by stepping outside for a few minutes and some other thing over which to bond with people, since you can’t do shots or buy people a round anymore. Well, I suppose you could, but you couldn’t partake in it. I dunno. We’ll always have coffee, I suppose.

 

Brendan O’Conner lives in New York.

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20 Comments / Post A Comment

You kids and your four American Spirits per day.

bgprincipessa (#699)

Coffee = coffee house/diner = Friends, Seinfeld = 90s
Alcohol = bar = HIMYM, It’s Always Sunny = 00s

But originally Central Perk was a bar. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I wanted to point it out. Someone save me.

EDaily (#4,396)

@bgprincipessa Whhaaaaa

bgprincipessa (#699)

@EDaily so, no? that didn’t make any sense? oh well.

@bgprincipessa So what is the 2010s then? Oxycontin in a condemned doublewide?

sherlock (#3,599)

@bgprincipessa Don’t worry, made perfect sense to me. I think this just means that I watch too many sitcoms.

aetataureate (#1,310)

@stuffisthings Let’s use Parks and Rec as a model and say: Pancake house.

bgprincipessa (#699)

@stuffisthings Meth in an RV?
@aetatuaureate YES. that is the best route here.
@sherlock Yup, so do we all. You are not alone.

mysterygirl (#2,058)

@bgprincipessa : Alcohol = bar = Cheers = 80s?

Lily Rowan (#70)

Don’t lie, a cigarette after yoga is the BEST.

amirite (#2,677)

Hmm, yes, I didn’t drink for 3 years, and that is when I started smoking. I only go through about a pack or two a year though. They are excellent for when I am in a bar and feeling overwhelmed and need an excuse to go outside.

Also, after exercising is the best time to smoke because your lungs are all nice and open, duh.

aetataureate (#1,310)

Oh Brendan. You don’t have to smoke if you don’t wanna! Here’s your script.

Friends: Hey do you want to step out for a smoke?
Brendan: I don’t want one but I’ll come hang out with you!

The end.

Allison (#4,509)

@aetataureate I’ve been at shows with TERRIBLE opening bands and had friends say “…I’m going to go smoke.” and said “I’ll watch!”

Trilby (#191)

Smoking is dumb. It just is.
-Your mother

WayDownSouth (#3,431)

Is this the person who was sacked because of that very counter-productive tweet about some office workers who didn’t tip? If he doesn’t have another job yet, it doesn’t seem to be very clever to waste his money on cigarettes.

readyornot (#816)

@WayDownSouth he’s writing for the Awl! See also the brouhaha over coverage of PandoDaily.

WayDownSouth (#3,431)

@readyornot Yes, true, I hadn’t considered that. Does the Awl (or any of these sites) actually pay anything?

Non-anonymous (#1,288)

To me, “give up drinking or give up smoking” is like “give up orgasms or give up smashing your own toes with a hammer.” (Where smoking is the toe-smashing, in case that was unclear.)

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