Pilot Season Job Offers of Shame

When you read this offer, please picture Ms. Leesa Kugel as she is—a television producer who always chews gum, probably even in her sleep, and engages in verbal up-speak. All names have been changed to protect the guilty and, yes, this was an actual job offer.

Re: PAID WRITING GIG
On Mon, April 21, 2013 at 2:24 PM, <kugel@embryo.com> wrote:

Dear Katy,

Hi! My producing partner Cole Jeffries specifically recommended you, so you should be ultra flattered! Our production company EMBRYO just acquired a project that we think would be PURRRFECT for your voice. It’s… young. It’s hip. It’s really zeitgeisty.

We’ve had a T-O-N of interest, but we want YOU to make it your own and have fun with writing it. Let me know if you’re interested. Paying, duh.

Yers,

Leesa Kugel


 

 
On Tues, April 22nd, 2013 at 10:44 AM, Catie Lazarus <underemployedwriter@me.com> wrote:

Dear Leesa,

Thanks for contacting me. I’m not quite sure what the project is exactly, so it’s hard to say whether it’s the right fit.

Catie Lazarus
 

 
On Tues, April 22nd, 2013 at 10:47 AM, <kugel@embryo.com> wrote:

Katy!

TV series, obviously, there will be a web component. But we’d love you to pen the pilot script. It’s called…. SLAVES. Fun! (Right?!!!)

We know that as the writerly creative, you’ll want to own it and fill in the small stuff, like plot holes and story lining. We’d love you to start concepting, so happy to discuss payment.
Leesa
 

 
On Tues, April 21, 2013 at 11:04 AM, Catie Lazarus <underemployedwriter@gmail.com> wrote:

Dear Leesa,

If I knew how to make slavery funny, I’d be a millionaire or an asshole.

Catie
 

 
On Tues, April 22nd, 2013 at 10:47 AM, <kugel@embryo.com> wrote:

Catty,

Just to clarify, nobody is trying to make slavery funny per se. LOL! We just feel like the enslavement of people for the extractment of comedy is very zeitgeisty right now. We’re not talking about sad slaves. Or poor slaves (not “black” slaves.) White slaves. Like Hot Young Slaves or Slaves of Beverly Hills kinda thang.

Let me know if that helps and if you want to try and take a stab at it.

Thx.

Leesa

PS Sucks I know, but you’ll want to avoid words like asshole.
 

 
Epilogue:

Despite how competitive TV pilot staffing season is, Catie Lazarus passed on this singular opportunity. Please contact Leesa at kugel@embryo.com if you have no moral compass.

 

 

Catie Lazarus is a writer and comedian. She has contributed drivel to The Daily Beast, Slate, Cosmo, Bust, Gawker, and edited the “Kvetch Section” for Heeb Magazine. She also hosts the podcast Employee of the Month, which is taped live monthly at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater.

Hannah Friedman is a television writer in Los Angeles. She enjoys puppies and stiff cappuccino foam.

Photo: Sevan Sekhon

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13 Comments / Post A Comment

olivia (#1,618)

I especially love that she spelled your name incorrectly in a different way in every single email.

@olivia in the last one she wasn’t misspelling the name, she was remarking on the response!

sheistolerable (#2,382)

Wait. This is real?

Slaves … of Beverly Hill …

I DIE.

We all need to pull together now to make zeitgeisty really happen.

@redheaded&crazy Whoever came up with “Slaves of Beverly Hills” is certainly der Geist seiner Zeit, that’s for sure.

Also, is Hegel really that big in Hollywood? That would explain the overpowering sense of alienation I feel while watching network TV.

City_Dater (#565)

Hilarious. “We have a title and NO ideas! Come give us ideas! Ideas are fun, right!?”
Sometimes I wish I worked in an industry where people who do things like this were punished, rather than rewarded.

@City_Dater And the one idea they did have from was a brainstorming session that consisted entirely of:

“What’s funny guys? Come on think…”

“Slaves?”

“GENIUS! Let’s hire someone.”

Also, Catie, if you still want that easy payday, the French already made this movie (about two modern-day suburbs guys transported back to slave times).

You could just do a bad American TV adaptation in the grand Hollywood tradition.

Even if none of your comments will pay the bills, they are the most cathartic and helpful part of breaking into such a sordid biz. Thank you.

Maybe it’s an insider acronym for “Some Los Angeles Vixens Enjoying Sunshine”?

“Serious Local Attorney Vindicates Each Suspect.” (Lawyer show?)

“Suntanned Loser Alcoholics Vandalize Eastern Seaboard.” (Jersey Shore?)

“Superb Loins Attract Viewers Every Sunday” (I dunno, True Blood?)

Comments are closed!