What We Actually Need Is a Sorting Hat

You will never be a professional violinist if your fingers can’t do this one thing. And you’ll never be a professional ballerina if your body isn’t proportioned in this one way. And I wish there were tests like this for every vocation so when you were a kid you could be sorted out painlessly because wouldn’t that just make figuring out what you wanted to be when you grow up that much easier? (My revelation that I would never be an astronaut or a spy didn’t come until … last year.)

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28 Comments / Post A Comment

“The more fat you’re carrying, the more you’re just one part: trunk.” Yikes.

WaityKatie (#1,696)

@dj pomegranate I know! I took that a little personally…

littleoaks (#1,801)

“Here’s something you can try at home: Hold down the index, middle, and ring fingers of your left hand, then try to bend your pinky. Now try it again, but allow your ring finger to bend as well.”

So, the second time I should hold down just my index and middle fingers and bend the other two? This is really important, guys–how else am I supposed to know whether I should become a professional violinist?

readyornot (#816)

logan’s actually a spy and is trying to throw us off her trail.

sockhopbop (#764)

Is this where we all talk about what Hogwarts house the sorting hat would put us in??

@sockhopbop I am ashamed to admit, I’d probably be a Hufflepuff. MAYBE a Ravenclaw, if the Sorting Hat decided to see some potential in me. But most likely, Hufflepuff.

@sockhopbop I suspect that I would be in Hufflepuff. But like, a Cedric Diggory kind of, right good ol chap sort of Hufflepuff. who dies in the fourth act. no no, it’s cool, harry’s life is more important. The greater good and all.

spoiler alert

sockhopbop (#764)

@redheaded&crazy You meet your fate most nobly!! And do Hufflepuff proud :-)

@polka dots vs stripes Nothing to be ashamed of! I think Hufflepuff doesn’t get nearly enough credit :-)

I thiiink I’d be a Gryffindor, but like, maybe that’s just me hoping I’m a Gryffindor? I don’t know how to sort out the two.

kellyography (#250)

@sockhopbop I am definitely a Ravenclaw. Let’s do another online quiz to be sure. Yep.

Fig. 1 (#632)

@redheaded&crazy For revealing that devastating spoiler, we’re putting you in Slytherin. No Hufflepuff would do such a thing.

Quinn A@twitter (#1,008)

Actually, Logan, you probably could be a spy. I met with a couple of CIA agents when I was training for my current job, and apparently spies are mostly people who a) are looking for some excitement and b) are deeply in debt.

@Quinn A@twitter i thought that debt was like a BIG SPY NO NO because then you’re ripe for being bribed to SELL SECRETS

readyornot (#816)

@Logan Sachon @Quinn A@twitter was Quinn’s comment sarcasm? presumably they’re also not supposed to be looking for some excitement.

Quinn A@twitter (#1,008)

@readyornot Not sarcasm! Debt is not a good thing if you want, like, a good job with the federal government wherein you deal with sensitive material. I couldn’t do my current job if I had failed the credit check. But to be a spy? Honest to God, the CIA does not give a shit why you want to do it. They wouldn’t hire you to be an agent, I don’t think, but they pay desperate people for information all the time.

readyornot (#816)

@Quinn A@twitter Oh, I was thinking that a spy was an agent, probably why I could count myself with Logan being confused. You just mean an informant? I still feel like they’d want to put some sort of filter on to ensure they were getting accurate information, not just saying something to be paid.

kellyography (#250)

I would LOVE a sorting hat to tell me what career I’d be good at/happy with. I have always been kinda-good at everything, but not exceptional at anything, and my passions are all things you have to be amazing at in order to make a living (singing, watching TNG, etc.).

deepomega (#22)

Yeah but the sorting hat is SUPER racist.

TARDIStime (#1,633)

@deepomega But what about Lee Whatshisface who does the Quidditch commentary?
Or is he just a token black kid for them to put in the Prospectus’ “student diversity” section?

Similarly, I gave up piano because my pinkies are about half an inch shorter than normal pinkies & so even if my thumb & pinky are basically 180* opposed I can’t reach the octave-and-a-third chord.

Which, in retrospect? Thank you hamster pinkies, for sparing me the delusion that I might want to try & be a concert pianist loloololaskdlkja.

blueblazes (#1,798)

I am up for the sorting hat, except, can it make sure that the thing I was born to do pays a living wage? Is Puppy Snuggler a real job title and does it pay $30/hr plus benefits? How many vacation days to I get when I feel like I need a little time away from all those super-demanding puppies?

TARDIStime (#1,633)

I went to school with a kid who’d escaped from Communist Vietnam – They actually kind of do this Sorting Hat stuff there.
At about 8 years of age the govt decides who will do what for their careers as they grow up based on test results/examinations of all kinds and that is all they will study to be from then on.
This kid in particular studied Classical Piano (he had crazy long fingers and perfect pitch, so he had the physical aptitude for it) and was a technical wizard with a keyboard. Forget asking him to compose, though – rote learning only (creativity: not encouraged for the proletariat).
I hear it’s particularly rough for escapees who study farming because they’re not taught to read or write. School is really hard for them.

I was just out to dinner with friends and was saying pretty much the same thing. I just want to take some personality and aptitude tests and get sorted into a job. One of the ladies I was out with started telling me about this place – http://www.jocrf.org/.
Lo & behold! It is pretty much a scientific, grown up Sorting Hat. The big downside is that the full testing runs around $600, which, is I had that kinda money to spend on things other than rent and bills, I would consider myself to be doing pretty good, at least in comparison to my current sitch. Anyhow, I am finally transferring from my beloved little community college to big girl University, and I have no idea what to tell people when they ask me what my major is going to be, as that is heavily influences by what grad program I would like to go into later on. I;m thinking of asking for contributions towards this for my upcoming birthday. Because really- the best thing anyone could give me is some help in figuring out what the hell I’m doing with my life!

@DonnaTheDead@twitter I’ve taken a few aptitude tests and they’ve all ended up telling me I should do exactly what I’m doing now. Except I don’t want to do it anymore. But I am good at it, so the tests were partly right, I suppose.

@DonnaTheDead@twitter I’ve done Johnson O’Connor testing! Yes, it’s expensive, but if you can afford it, it’s totally awesome and interesting. It focuses not on what jobs you should do, but where your talents lie, on the theory that you’ll enjoy a job more if you’re good at it.

EM (#1,012)

Yeesh, that ballet mom sounds like a nightmare.

BananaPeel (#1,555)

Oh! Oh! I played violin from ages 10-17ish and yeah, sometimes it was a struggle to get my pinkie to do what I wanted it to. And right now, doing the test, isolating my pinkie to bend it, it required such an effort that it made me a little queasy!

Spoiler: I am not a professional violin player. Sometimes I play with a group at church.

Sallymander (#3,159)

Yep, this is good old-fashioned Communist thinking! My parents got “sorted” into their professions by aptitude.

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