Apt Observations About Trader Joe’s

Over at The Gloss, noted phoneless person and O.C. connoisseur Mallory Ortberg explores what various Trader Joe’s purchases say about you. SHE IS CORRECT ABOUT ALL OF THEM. (“Vegetable & lentil soup (canned): You have a lot to worry about. Good luck with everything. Let me know if I can help;””Produce, any kind: You’re a fool. Produce is the Trader’s Achilles heel. He cannot master it; this failure keeps him up at night. ‘So many bags,’ he moans to his sympathetic but tired wife. ‘So many irregularly sliced end bits. Shelled English peas in a bag. Ghastly. All ghastly.’ There is no solution; the puzzle goes unsolved. Finally, he sleeps, but he cannot rest.”)


13 Comments / Post A Comment

Is there some kind Mallory Ortberg Alert I can sign up for? I mean I guess I could set up a Google Alert for her name but that seems slightly creepy.

deepomega (#22)

@stuffisthings Homegirl’s writing for threeish places now – Awl Properties, TheGloss on weekends, and Gawker on weekends.

@deepomega Right like I am just going to add Gawker to my Google Reader? Please.

melis (#42)


Megano! (#124)

@melis maybe you should invest in a carrier pigeon.

But what does it mean if I go to TJ’s weekly and never buy any of these things!? I need your assessment of the following: Mandarin Orange Chicken and Spicy Thai Peanut salad dressing. Thanks in advance.

@Megano! I can’t BELIEVE you didn’t suggest a raven.

@redheaded&crazy ugh what am I even saying, that would require earning one’s chain in ravenry, like melis doesn’t have enough on her plate.

Megano! (#124)

@redheaded&crazy HAHAHAHAHA. My Game of Thrones nerd cred is REVOKED I guess.

Lily Rowan (#70)

Wait, what’s wrong with pub cheese???

bitzyboozer (#885)

@Lily Rowan And also, what is pub cheese???

I live across the street from a Trader Joe’s which means I’m one of the rare people who can get away with buying produce there as I can buy the one thing I need or want to consume within the expiration period (so long as I shave off a few precious seconds by running back across the street). I kind of wished I had more time this year so I could somehow justify my purchase of ALL OF THE SEASONAL COOKIES ALLLLL OF THEM by writing about them as a sort of qualitative review and not gluttonous eating of way way too many cookies.

WaityKatie (#1,696)

Wait, so the people on another thread who told me I could easily live cheaply in NYC by just buying all my food (including produce) at Trader Joe’s were not correct??

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