People I Have Paid to Hurt Me

1. Spinning instructors

2. Crossfit instructors

3. The many women I have gone to for eyebrow threading.

4. The woman who gave me an anti-acne facial. “You will feel so good,” she said. And there were a few nice minutes in there with some creams and steam. But mostly it was EXTRACTIONS, during which she pressed down hard on a sharp tool and dragged it across my face to clean out my pores. Found myself resorting to lamaze breathing exercises learned from watching birth scenes on sitcoms. “Cannot endure torture” just another reason I’ll never be a spy.  

5. The woman who gave me an exfoliating facial in 2007. “It’s like a chemical peel but all natural,” she said. I looked like a burn victim for three days.

6. The woman who waxed my legs four times in the summer in 2006. I was living in California and thought that if I could endure the pain and cost for a few sessions, my leg hair would never grow back and I’d have silky smooth California legs forever. This did not happen.

7. The woman who waxed my bikini line one time and one time only. Leg waxing felt great next to this. I had a bruise on my wrist afterwards from where I had dug my fingernails into my flesh.

8. Airlines. 

9. A nurse practitioner at Planned Parenthood. I got an IUD, which is a piece of copper and plastic inserted into the uterus to prevent pregnancy. The fear of the pain lasted way longer than the pain, but: THE PAIN. Insertion only hurt for a second, but that second was enough to make my entire body break out in sweat. It also made my previously painless periods incredibly painful. And yet: I recommend it highly. Would do it again.

10. Bartenders. “Yes, I’d like one pint of poison, please. Keep them coming.”

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14 Comments / Post A Comment

I am getting an IUD in a few weeks and I am so excited I keep forgetting about THEEEE PAIIN but hopefully it will all be worth it??

My mother asked how much money my flight home for Thanksgiving was; I told her not to ask questions she didn’t want to know the answer to. I am currently putting in a lot of effort to forget how expensive it was but looking at my credit card bill is a harsh, harsh reminder.

@polka dots vs stripes you will be fine! but take the whole day off and be nice to yourself! and the periods are only bad for a little while and then they’re fine again! i am PRO IUD!

@polka dots vs stripes I had barely any pain with mine! My doctor prescribed me some pain killers just in case, but I didn’t need them.

Also PRO IUD!

BornSecular (#2,245)

@Nasty Nukes McGreevy YES! I got the Mirena IUD last year. It was uncomfortable when they put it in, then I had cramps for a month straight, but now it’s amazing.

CaddyFdot (#2,686)

Ask them for the numbing stuff! I had Paragard put in with numbing stuff and it was uncomfortable but fine, then I replaced it with Mirena and did NOT have the numbing stuff AND IT HURT SO BAD. It was over very quickly, and I’m happy with it, but yeah, numbing stuff is good.

@CaddyFdot There’s numbing stuff???? I just got mine (Mirena) today and I’m DYING. They had to give me cookies and juice because I forgot breakfast and between the pain, shock, and low blood sugar, I couldn’t stand. Yay free snacks?

faustbanana (#2,376)

Oh God, thinking about IUD pain has me in a prolonged Kegel contraction!

hopelessshade (#580)

I am in the week-after stage of intermittent ghost cramps and geez, quit it already, would you? But my girl guts are like “THERE’S A PIECE OF PLASTIC IN HERE WHAT GIVES YOU ASSHOLE?!?”

nutmeg (#1,383)

Everyone I talked to before I got my IUD said, “You will not be able to ride public transportation home,” but I was all, “You can’t tell me what to do!!!” (mostly I didn’t want to take a $30 cab). They were kind of right but it turns out when you are on the train clutching your belly, periodically saying, “Oooh, dang,” nobody wants to sit next to you (the same is true when you have almost-the-flu and also if you throw up in a garbage can almost immediately prior to boarding).

dotcommie (#662)

oh boy, just pray you never have physical therapy. i wonder 2x a week why i drag myself out of bed at 6 to pay some bitch to dig the side of a spoon into my painful, painful shin. some of the more painful things i’ve ever experienced.

wearitcounts (#772)

hmm, wax strips or hard wax? the hard wax, if the waxer is skilled, doesn’t really hurt much at all. and i’ve done the entire bikini area with it.

then again, i am a person who has tattoos in many places and didn’t think they were terribly painful, either.

ImASadGiraffe (#982)

I love the pain of CrossFit. Love, love love.

MuffyStJohn (#280)

I’d like to add: Every tattoo artist I have ever had.

I actually kind of like extractions during facials, but kind of the same way I like cleaning my baseboards: the instant satisfaction of the dirt disappearing is so much greater than the pain.

LHOOQ (#1,634)

Sooo, did the anti-acne facial actually help? Asking for a friend.

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