Comments on: Just Say No

By: TARDIStime

TARDIStime — Wed, 14 Nov 2012 06:01:45 +0000

As someone in this exact situation, may I weigh in? I, in this story, may be the boyfriend, though – I support my mum with basic living costs (rent, bills, credit card, petrol). My partner lives in the same house as us, so we’re all under one roof. I have not been able to contribute to our savings for over 2 years. My partner finally put his foot down and said “I’m leaving this house at the end of the year. Feel free to join me or not.”
We are now apartment hunting and have informed my mother that we are doing so, and intend to be out before the end of the year if we’re accepted for a flat. In the meantime, I still help her out when she’s desperate because saying no is hard, but now at least she pays back money I lend.
Baby steps.

By: selenana

selenana — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 00:52:15 +0000

@Logan Sachon Yeah, her relationship status is not super clear, but it does say their finances are being intertwined and it sounds like they have a future in mind. So it is kind of her problem if they are in a living together, partnered situation. I feel like if they were married then people would probably take her more seriously, but if they really are partners in it for the long run, married or not, it is her problem.

By: Logan Sachon

Logan Sachon — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 00:33:05 +0000

I totally agree with what Mike has written, but I’d like to address A.H. specifically. Yes, your boyfriend should stand up for himself, for his sake and his family’s, and Mike has outlined the reasons and ways to do it.

But you are not your boyfriend, and you can’t make your boyfriend do anything. Or maybe you can. I don’t know your relationship. But you’ve got to decide—now or later—what you’re willing to sign up for. If your boyfriend decides to support his family, will you be okay with that? There are a lot of dealbreakers in a relationship, and this seems to me like it might be one. Let your imagination go — if he decides that he will support his family, will you support that? Or will you ressent that? You wrote the letter, but this is not your problem. Unless you’re willing to make it your problem. Are you?

By: eemusings@twitter

eemusings@twitter — Sun, 11 Nov 2012 05:08:13 +0000

Mike and C., you guys are amazing human beings.

But as you both know, and as Mike says, you can’t give indefinitely. It’s not sustainable.

One of my favourite personal finance bloggers, Revanche, is in pretty much the same situation. You may want to check out some of her archives (agaishanlife.com). Saying no is tough. Saying no to family is much worse.

I’m probably in a similar situation to the letter writer. My family gets by fine. My partner’s family are all broke. It’s a delicate and ongoing situation (and as I’m the main income earner, I’m not particularly inclined towards funneling my money toward them, sorry. We may be better off than all of them combined (the bar is set low), but we are still just two 20-somethings trying to get started in the world). I think we’ve managed to establish a reasonable distance, but it hasn’t been easy: http://nzmuse.com/2011/06/30/it-all-started-with-an-iphone-or-why-mixing-family-and-money-only-leads-to-dramas/

By: mishaps

mishaps — Sun, 11 Nov 2012 03:45:48 +0000

@Euphemistic Response Amen.

By: Euphemistic Response

Euphemistic Response — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 13:26:00 +0000

Mike, you’re kind of amazing.

By: glow bug

glow bug — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 23:20:03 +0000

This is great advice for the boyfriend who is giving money. The girlfriend however, is one step removed and she needs to find out if her boyfriend is on the same page of wanting the codependency and unhealthy attachment to stop.

By: swirrlygrrl

swirrlygrrl — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 22:11:20 +0000

Well written, Mike. As a reader who didn’t ask the question, it was totally worth the wait.

By: aetataureate

aetataureate — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 22:05:34 +0000

@Leah Klein@facebook Yeah. Not too dissimilar from the earlier “opened a credit card in child’s name” sort of thing? Kind of gross all around.

By: Leah Klein@facebook

Leah Klein@facebook — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 21:35:53 +0000

This is heartbreaking to me. It’s one thing to help a parent in need (when they may have helped you through your childhood, education, etc), but when a parent is spending beyond their means, they are crippling their child. To me, it feels like they are taking advantage of their children.

I understand that in other cultures, it is common to help your family out financially, but when the help is one sided…it really frustrates me.