4 Famous People I Served Brunch to And How They Tipped

1.) Adam Duritz of Counting Crows

He interrupted my almost-end-of-shift late-afternoon-lull paradise with an overly complicated brunch order that involved lots of rules about where and how the eggs should be dealt with. He was on a date with a girl who looked like, but was not, former alt-rock flame Vanessa Carlton. He tipped poorly despite being Adam Duritz, heir to the throne of rock.

2.) Commanding Officer John Munch of the NYPD Special Victims Unit

AKA, “an actual person who is an actor named Richard Belzer.” He ordered yogurt and granola and was not very personable. His curtness in the face of my girl-next-door, orange-juice-wielding earnestness prompted me to wonder if he cared at all about his responsibilities as a famous TV cop. Like, those crimes, which, in the food service industry, are considered especially heinous? Like not looking up from the script you’re perusing when your mousy but adoring waitress asks you if you want more coffee? Serving Munch was just like serving a regular dude. I don’t remember how he tipped—it must have been adequate.

3. SNL’s Jason Sudeikis

He was with three fellow SNL cronies, none of whom I knew were at all famous whatsoever until halfway through my service when my manager told me who they were. I totally lost my cool. I just thought they were super nice, normal, funny, slightly gay guys! The SNL guys and I had a great rapport, and I cracked them up a couple times. When they left they tipped SO SO WELL SOSOOOOO WELL (I think like 30%?) and didn’t ask me to be on SNL with them. Then I cleared their dirty dishes and scraped the remains of their brunches off of their four porcelain plates with my own bare hands.

4. Emma Roberts, Julia’s perma-tween niece

She was wearing a flowy polka-dotted top, with her hair up in a bouncy little ponytail and she had wrapped a section of her hair around the elastic that held her ponytail in place, to disguise the elastic. Tres Bardot.

Emma was joined by her small sister and mother. The starlet ordered the muesli, which she pronounced impeccably; the mother ordered but a single biscuit; and adorably, the youngest Roberts present ordered pancakes, which are called “flapjacks” on the menu, so the littlest sister of Emma Roberts, niece of Julia, said “flapjacks” at me with earnest eyes that shined like raw egg while her sort-of-famous older sister thumbs at a magenta Blackberry.

A tiny shopping bag from Tiffany—pert in its iconic bluish-green—perched in the middle of the table. As I shuttled glass-bottled Diet Cokes to and fro the table of the three Roberts, I built a fantastical Tiffany charm bracelet for the youngest Roberts girl, to occupy myself. The little girl must enjoy tennis—I fashioned a glittering rhinestone tennis racket charm. A Scottish terrier charm with a sparkling collar. A cupcake charm. With a ruby-red cherry on top.

Emma texted away, pausing only to compliment one of my coworkers on her necklace, which made me feel jealous and homely.

The mother wilted in her seat and rearranged things.

The child poked her fork into the sticky padding of her flapjacks with ennui, her just-for-her bracelet sparkling secretly, just for her, in its little blue bag between them all.

They tipped like a normal middle class family. Twenty percent.

Everything is so boring.

 

Lauren Rodrigue lives in Brooklyn. 

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18 Comments / Post A Comment

” and didn’t ask me to be on SNL with them” lolololol

swirrlygrrl (#2,398)

I didn’t realize Adam Duritz used to date Vanessa Carleton. I would not in any way describe her as alt-rock.

iffie (#1,911)

@swirrlygrrl Everything is so boring.

aeroaeroaero (#1,422)

That bums me out so much about Belzer. Munch would have been kind and attentive to his server. If he comes in again, mention some conspiracies and I’m sure he’ll light right up.

@aeroaeroaero maybe he had just found out that stabler was leaving 4ever

NinetyNine (#1,864)

Maybe he’s learned to be taciturn because he doesn’t like the prospect of his most menial human transaction used to plump the clip list of a shitty waitress. Oh, excuse me, aspiring journalist.

Bill Fostex (#573)

@NinetyNine No no no, excuse ALL OF US, bitter, unhappy commenter!

DickensianCat (#971)

@NinetyNine Well the important thing is that you’ve really nailed that
“assumptions make an ass out of ‘you’ and ‘me’” adage, and with a great attitude, to boot! Applause.

SuperMargie (#2,628)

@NinetyNine I cannot help but read your comment using the voice of Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons. It totally fits!
“Worst.Listicle Involving Richard Belzer.EVER!”

matt (#2,039)

Vaguely recognizable people whom, were this sometime in the mid-2000s and anyone was still watching VH1, you could assume just wandered off the set of We Love the [Decade]! They’re just like … someone. I’m sure.

I thought this was not only fun to read, but also some of the descriptions are downright beautiful. Caught me off guard. In a good way.

blair (#1,962)

“AKA, “an actual person who is an actor named Richard Belzer.””

lol, YES

Ahhhh … since it is my birthday, and you’re an aspiring journalist who should know better … it’s COMPLIMENTED.
(referring to your “Emma texted away, pausing only to complement one of my coworkers on her necklace, which made me feel jealous and homely.”

Whew. Douche-y moment has passed; thought I was gonna burst.

matt (#2,039)

Bless.

I served Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray and Access Hollywood(?) when I worked in Las Vegas. I thought he was a hairdresser at first, because he was wearing a lot of make-up, and his hair was all done, and we were in the midst of being slammed by all the hairdressers in America who were in town for a hairdresser convention. At some point I realized who he was, and that he was wearing all the make-up so he could be on television to talk about Entertainment. Anyway, he was super-nice and tipped very well, and I love him for it, because we were incredibly busy, and I’m sure that wasn’t my best day.

I met Dio once. He was a great tipper because he told me to BELIEVE IN MYSELF.

Worker Parasite (#2,292)

Delivered pizza to 54-40 once (I know, who?!) and they tipped nothing but offered me an autograph.

Also delivered pizza to Scott Neidermeyer (retired NHL player, was making $6 million + that year). He tipped 25 cents. His dad was a cool dude who would regularly tip $5+.

@Worker Parasite

Who doesn’t tip the pizza delivery person? That’s ass-y. And I know them – they’re Canadian artists, they’re probably Canadian artist broke. Not that that’s an excuse.

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