The ‘Parent Tax’
I first learned of the tradition of children supporting their parents from Mike Dang (he’s mentioned his support of his own family on this site), so I was really interested to read about Joy Cho’s experience with it.
She is Thai and her husband is Korean. They send both families money each month, plus pay for plane tickets to visit them, meals when they’re together, and for extras, too (they recently bought her father a new car when his broke down). Cho says: “When we were young, our parents took care of us—financially, emotionally and physically. But now, it’s time for us to take care of them … While we jokingly call it ‘parent tax,’ it’s something we’re happy to do to honor our parents. We’re trying to say, ’I finally made it, now let me thank you for helping me get there.’”
She also talks about her own daughter and whether she’ll expect support from her when she’s grown up. Read more at Cup of Jo.
I daresay that this is the immigrant tax.
My Dad grew up in the Caribbean and the UK, and he sends money back to the Caribbean to support family back there. It’s just expected. When he got out of Law School he ran into a relative in NYC who said: “You’re going to take care of your responsibility to your family back home right?”
I think it’s a standard thing for all immigrants regardless of ethnicity, race, et al, my gf is an immigrant of another race and while her parents don’t need her help financially, she does pitch in with cousins, her Grandparents can depend on her, etc. I have friends who are immigrants from all over the globe and they help their families too.
I really think it comes down to: if you’re an immigrant from a 3rd world country you’re expected to help out, probably not the same if you come here from a middle class family in Germany.
I’ve also seen it occur (but to a lesser extent) in situations where say one family member is really financially successful but the rest of the family is poor.
I will say that if your parents come here and do really well you can escape it, but I have helped folks on my American side of the family here and there.
I will say it’s an economic impact if you’re first generation immigrant or middle class person from a family born here, as that’s money that a similarly situated person from a wealthier family wouldn’t have to deal with.
But, well, it’s your family and they helped you, so it’s just being a good person in my opinion. I’m uncomfortable even calling it a tax or even writing the paragraph before about impact.
I don’t doubt that there are cultural factors at work here, but so too is class. I am neither Asian nor an immigrant, and yet I still see it as important for me to support my mom in whatever way I can. Also, who here can claim to not know about athletes and rappers and entertainers buying their parents (moms, usually) houses?
I wonder how this works when your children make less than you do? I would love to be able to support my parents when they’re older but if I’m lucky in 10-15 years or so will make a quarter of what they currently make. And if I’m very very very lucky when I’m their age I’ll maybe make a little under half of what they do. Not because they’re billionaires but just because the career path I have taken isn’t highly paid. Same with my sister.
Fortunately my parents have been planning for their retirement for a while now and I think they will be fine but if they hadn’t I’m not sure what I’d do. I mean, obviously there are non financial ways to care for your aging parents but I am most definitely not a caregiver and I would worry that even if I tried my best their quality of life would be substandard if I was tasked with caring for them. Again, hopefully this wont be an issue but I guess it makes me glad that my parents have stated that they aren’t expecting me to care for them.
I also wonder how it works if you don’t have kids. Because I’m guessing that the expectation here is that your children will use their money to take care of you, and then their children will take care of them and so on. But is somewhere along the way someone doesn’t have children how do they take care of their parents while also ensuring that they can afford to take care of themselves later on.
@seaermine
Re: your last paragraph; I’m pretty sure this already is happening with some younger baby boomers/older Gen Xers but not quite the way you describe.
They have children (young adult children/teenage) at home and their parents are becoming elderly, too. They’re still paying off their mortgages and trying to put enough away for their own retirements, while managing their children and their parents at the same time.
I believe the term is “sandwiched”.
@TARDIStime Yes that too! I think more people are choosing to have children later in life so there is an overlap between when they still have dependents and when they have to start taking care of their parents. My grandparents died when I was in late high school and early college. I’m not sure how much it affected my parents because they lived 8 or 9 thousand miles away, but I’m sure they contributed financially (even if they couldn’t be there in person). Fortunately a lot of my family had good benefits from being in the military and those who didn’t were so healthy and mentally capable until they died that they didn’t need extra care or assistance.