My Last Hundred Bucks: One Donut Only (Okay, Two)

Where’d your last hundred bucks go, Lauren Rodrigue? 

$4: Egg and cheese on an English muffin and large coffee. That’s right sinners, I’m back on cheese (turns out my abdomen hurt just as bad without the dairy). Would spend anywhere up to $2 more for this breakfast just because the cheese-generous grillmaster at my favorite deli makes me feel. Like. I’m the only girl in the world.

$30: Two sweaters and a skirt at Forever21. Or as I like to call it, “A Trip to the pharmacy to pick up my antidepressants.”

$17: Vegan brunch—not a funny oxymoron, but actual vegan brunch! Specifically, a bowl of faux-eggs, faux-cheese, real chili, real avocado and faux-Texas toast (real toast, faux-butter). All the realness and fakeness combined ended up cancelling all the food out so I maintain that this brunch should have been free. 

$2.50: Post-Vegan Brunch Vegan Donut. I got two for this price, actually, since the first one rolled off the counter and onto the floor when it was handed to me, and the donut clerk was like, “Oh ew let me give you another!” and I was like, “Hahah, I’m going to eat this!” And then I did, plus another one.

$15: Post-Vegan-brunch-and-Vegan-Donut(s) Bloody Mary and Shrimp Cocktail Snack. It took three whole entire tries for me to sate myself this past Sunday, but I eventually got there at around 2 p.m. thanks to good ol’ Shrimpsnacks and sippable alcoholic soup.

$15: Cab ride to a medical imaging center in Midtown Manhattan to receive an impromptu transvaginal ultrasound. Wanted to know if my insides are as pretty as my outsides. (If it’s not cheese, it must be cancer, right?) (No co-pay, which means $500 bill later, I’m sure.)

$2 (+$10 +$5): Two one-dollar tacos from a place on St. Marks. Taco deal discovered whilst taking advantage of BOGO happy hour ($10 in all) and pomme frites ($5). In Christianity, Saint Mark is the “Patron Saint of All The Food Types that You Enjoy Plus Ranch Dressing on Demand Plus Not Expensive Plus Free Cocktails as a Reward for Buying Cocktails.” We devout types have a tradition to honor this Saint’s life and work four times monthly during what we humbly call “The Feast of Taco Tuesday.”


Lauren Rodrigue eats and drinks and goes to the doctor.


20 Comments / Post A Comment

Titania (#489)

Let me be the first to say…what?

bgprincipessa (#699)

@Titania What’s the issue?

snoopygirrl (#1,710)

@Titania I agree – what exactly is she trying to say?

Lily Rowan (#70)

@snoopygirrl She’s….trying to say what she spent her last $100 on. It’s a regular feature on the site.

slutberry (#2,339)


snoopygirrl (#1,710)

@Lily Rowan Yes, I know. Maybe she should try telling us again without all of the not-so-very funny jokes.

wearitcounts (#772)

maybe it’s eggs? i have more or less determined that for me, it is eggs. except oddly not fast food bfast sandwich eggs, which means, those are definitely not real eggs.

aetataureate (#1,310)

Is Lauren the official bad vegan joke maker of the Billfold? Her “I would literally die without cheese” post (ugh, really?) and today’s “LOL ‘vegan’ ‘brunch'” thought are both pretty well trodden territory.

@aetataureate You are welcome to submit pieces with your own bad/not bad vegan/carnivore jokes as you please!

iffie (#1,911)

This was the least joyful $100 ever spent. I’m waiting for another drug post (there was a pot one, right?) Something like… $80 on coke and $18 on a bottle of bad prosecco. Okay, that’s my submission. You’re welcome.

EM (#1,012)

Is that Alfred Hitchcock in that obesity-shaming ad?

Megano! (#124)

I think if it’s not dairy it means it’s time to cut out the gluten (I’m so sorry)!

slutberry (#2,339)

@Megano! I am so sorry to agree.

orangezest (#317)

@slutberry Or to consult a doctor rather than doing it by guesswork. I’m so sorry for her stomach trouble, but I was a little skeptical of the “hey, I diagnosed myself as lactose intolerant!” in the last post — for good reason, it turns out.

Megano! (#124)

@Emma Peel USUALLY for these types of things even the dr will tell you do an elimination diet. And she might not be able to afford the dr.

ennaenirehtac (#199)

@Megano! DON’T cut out gluten before seeing a doctor!

FTA: “The test really has to be done before [quitting gluten]. If you don’t do the test and begin the diet, your antibodies slowly but progressively decrease and become normal within 3 to 6 months,” Guandalini says. That means that a celiac diagnosis can be missed or delayed, especially if the person hesitates to start eating gluten again in order to go through testing.

cherrispryte (#19)

Wait is that a legit ad that you see on the streets up there? Because that image is some horrible fat-shaming bullshit.

Bettytron (#111)

@cherrispryte Yeah it’s everywhere on subways and bus stops. It’s pretty awful.

cherrispryte (#19)

@Bettytron Ugh that’s horrible.

meg (#329)

is shrimp vegan?

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