‘Anything Beyond That Would Have to Be Covered by Me’
If you were lucky enough to go to college or grad school, someone paid for it—your parents, grandparents, yourself, the state, the school, a scholarship. We’ve invited readers to share their stories of financing education. Here’s one from reader M:
“I’m the oldest of three. Before I even started middle school, my parents moved the family to a new state that had better public universities. When I was applying to schools, my parents told me that they would be willing to pay for four years of school—but only equivalent to what our in-state rates would be. Anything beyond that would have to be covered by me. I applied to public and private schools, and ended up choosing a great public university. When I started talking about going to grad school, my parents made it clear I would be on my own. I was proactive about saving my money, getting a job and applying for a student loan for my program.
“My sister made the decision that she wanted to go to school out of state. The ‘four years of in-state rates’ rule from our parents still stood, so when she chose an out-of-state (but still public) university, she chose to join ROTC. The program paid for books and tuition (and a small stipend), and my parents paid for her room and board. Years later, she’s still in the military. It’s a commitment to more years of service that’s paying for her to go to grad school.
“My younger brother dicked around in high school. His grades weren’t great. He didn’t know what he wanted. And when the only school that accepted him was a private college, my parents changed their minds about what they’d be willing to pay for. It’s still four years only, but they’re covering his entire tuition. Perhaps it’s the fact that they saved so much money from when my sister was in school, maybe they relaxed their standards of how much they’d be willing to contribute for school, or maybe their rules about what they were willing to pay for were a bluff the whole time.
“I feel bad for my parents—they made that move all those years ago with the intention of sending their kids to great and affordable in-state schools—and only one of their three kids actually decided to follow through with that. I loved my college experience, but the fact that they were willing to bend the “what we’re willing to pay” rules makes me a little jealous…and wonder what would have happened if I made a different choice.
“I have asked them about paying for my brother, and they’ve said it’s none of my business, and that they’re working it out with him. That was a couple years ago at Christmas, and I haven’t brought it up again because it was sort of awkward and I didn’t want to make te rest of the holidays weird, or myself seem bitter/angry. I think my parents really were winging it when I went off to school, and didn’t know how they were going to lay down the rules of what they’d pay for.”
How did you finance your education? (Or, if you didn’t go to college, how did you finance your first years out of high school?) logan@thebillfold.com
There’s different rules for different kids. My older brother also dicked around in high school and then for a few years afterward; drifting from college programs through crappy jobs, and cars that he pretty much had handed to him. He also racked up a lot of credit card debt with stupid decisions and picked up smoking, another stupid and expensive decision.
Eventually, he got fired from one of the jobs and had to move home from a few states away and live with Mom. Then he missed a shift and was fired from the job he had there, and Mom laid it out for him, that he couldn’t keep living life this way and screwing up.
Mom has a way of making life completely miserable for you if she doesn’t like what you’re doing, particularly when you live with her.
He joined he Navy the next day. This was almost ten years ago.
He’s doing much better now after eight years in the service. He went to school on the GI Bill and is in a grad program on the West Coast.
I asked Mom about it once, because I did the responsible things! I went to community college for 2 years, and then to an in-state university, with student loans. Any car that I had, I had to pay for, and credit card debt wasn’t an issue for me until a few years ago. Can’t I at least get a shout-out for not messing up like he did? She told me it wasn’t about treating each child equally, but about making sure each kid gets what they need.
It wasn’t much comfort at the time, but I did get what I needed, I think, because I seem to be doing ok. I did graduate first, even though I’m the middle child, and I’ve had several years in the work force and my career is cruising along—though a lot of that might be just good luck. But whenever I’ve needed extra help from my parents (I had a crisis last year), it’s been there for me in many ways. So don’t be too bitter—you might need help and hopefully your parents (like Logan’s, maybe) will be able to give it.
As a fellow oldest child, I feel you on that one! Hello, straight-A’s and 30-hour work weeks in high school? And my younger brother, at the age of 20, has only worked one job, once, for 3 months? It’s really hard for me to be the bigger person on money issues. Yikes.
I think it must be so difficult to be a parent. I’m the oldest, and was the typical straight-A student with an AP load and great test scores all through school. I was a damn good student, but my parents seemed to fail to grasp that there were many students like me. They truly seemed to believe I would get a full ride to college and didn’t save anything. When I found that out, I ended up going to our in-state public university, which offered me almost half my tuition in scholarships. I worked the entire time, and paid for my own housing and food, and took out loans for the remainder.
My little sister was not good at school, although she is an amazing networker/social butterfly. She scraped by and is still barely scraping by. She has made decent money over the summers nannying, but has never worked your typical wage slave jobs like I did from 16 onward. She is barely ekeing her way through college, and receives almost complete financial support from my parents. She also has loans, although I don’t think she understands the extent of them. Last year, my parents bought her a NEW car (I think because she kept whining, “borrowing” theirs).
We have definitely received starkly different financial treatment, and I don’t feel jealous at all. I’m sincerely worried my sister is never going to grow up. I got good at balancing money out of sheer terror. I think it would be better for my sister if they cut her off, and I’ve talked with them about this; they are afraid she will drop out if they don’t support her more.
All I can say is it has to be crazy hard to parent different personalities.
@MissMushkila I wonder about this too. My brother is a lot better at those things after the military—plus he has veteran’s benefits for life—but it took him a while to get to that point.
I also wonder whether the last child got more financial help because parents could afford it?
When child number 1 is going off to study, there have been 3 kids at home that have to be fed and clothed, etc.
By the time we get to the last kid going off to study, there have been a few years of just one kid left at home having to be fed and clothed. That means times have been a little flusher with the cash due to less people in the house needing financing and assumed career trajectory for mum and dad, so the parents can maybe afford to stump up a little more cash for the youngest?
I think it must be different rules for different kids, because in my family it is my older sister who needs more help from our family bank. She was a good student in junior high, but went off the rails after grade 10 and, although she did get a marketing degree in community college (the cost of which was covered by my parents), works as a secretary and gets laid off every couple of years. My folks helped her buy a condo with her (now ex-) husband, sometimes help her pay her rent, and brokered a deal where *their* friends gave her a very nice car, no strings attached.
Our family agreed that my parents would cover (Canadian) university classes if we passed them, so they paid for my undergrad. When it came time for grad school I withdrew my pension to pay for a year, mooched off a (now re-payed) ex-boyfriend for a year, and took out an interest-free parental loan for a year that I’m now re-paying. It’s hard to be diligent on my repayment when my mom swears my parents have always treated us equally, but my dad has made it clear that he respects my efforts. In the end, no matter how jealous I can get about our different treatment, I know she really does need the help, and I don’t.