This Online Shopping Excursion Brought to You By Obamacare

The best things in life! They are free. And while I wouldn’t consider a pap smear among the “best things in life,” reproductive health for women in general is a pretty great thing. And now a bunch of the stuff I’ve been paying for since I became a real lady are all FREE. (Well, nominally, at least—true change takes time, apparently, even after it is a law upheld by the Supreme Court. For now: Women with new indie insurance plans get co-pay-free birth control; the rest of us have to wait another year until a grandfather clause expires. But don’t worry gals, the year-long wait can be fun if you turn your BC packets into a fun DIY countdown calendar, just google “birth control countdown calendar diy craft”). BUT LET’S JUST GO WITH IT, SHALL WE?

I’ve been feeling sort of meeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh about being a woman in this brave nation as of late, what with everyone and their Republican uncle discussing what I may and may not do with my vagina, uterus, and ovaries. But today I am proud, and grateful and … really shocked. Not that it should’ve taken this long. My body is and has been a wonderland for the entirety of my life, but now at least the government is recognizing the costs it take to keep it that way.

My math is a little rusty (because I’m a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!) but, adding up the copay for an annual visit to my tiny, teenager-looking, very nice gynecologist, Monica, and a year’s worth of generic baby vaccine (feminieishly named “Apri” after the whispery sound of dove feathers flitting around in an afternoon breeze [GIRL STUFF]), I’ll save a snappy li’l 130 clamz per year now! Which means I’ll have more money to spend on other necessary girl stuff like tissues for when I cry for no reason and magazines about how to please men and so much choooooooocoooooolateeee??????

Or in case I’m feelin’—I DUNNO—“alternative,” here are some other things I can now treat myself to with my extra $130:

These Shiny Doc Martens, $130

Not that I’d need birth control anymore after getting these because who would sleep with someone wearing these. Not that that would stop me.

All of the Collar Tips, $30
Collar tips are basically the most important thing to happen to Fall 2012 unless you’re of the peplum provocation (which I am, respectfully, not of). The great thing about collar tips is that they are totally badass but also totally useless. Like taking birth control when you’re single (okay, fine: good skin, regularity). On the contrary I can honestly say that I would much rather have $130 worth of collar tips than ever have a boyfriend ever again as long as I live. Will artificial insemination someday be also a free thing? I hope.

This Spiked Jacket, $160

I am such a DOUCHE! I am a douche. Ohhhh, I am a douche. I love this jacket. I am a douche. Nothing says “Ask me about my complimentary pap smear!” like a shoulderful of metal spikes.

This Fantastic Little Button of a Chair, $99

I can’t even with you, IKEA! Look at this precious chair. Look at it! Chair! You are the cutest! I love you chair! I love you, chair. Ninety-nine bucks for Chair! It kind of looks like a vagina! Chair, you are so relevant and topical.

Lauren Rodrigue is a scholar and a poet and shopper and a woman. But above all, she is a human.