The Best Snacks (In Mostly Ascending Order)

Last week, Mallory Ortberg (who also happens to have another funny text correspondence today on The Hairpin) told me that Clif Bars are terrible snacks, so I asked her to send me a listicle of the best things to eat between meals. Here’s what she sent me:

• Mango (the pre-sliced kind in the plastic box, which is ostensibly fresh but often crunchy in practice).
• Mango (dried).
• Mango (fresh).
• Kudos, those little granola bars they used to make with candy bits inside but I’m pretty sure they don’t make ‘em anymore.
• That dried seaweed thing they sell at Trader Joe’s.
• Chocolate-covered almonds.
• Cheese, any kind.
• Yogurt (fancy and thick expensive. Sheep’s milk, even. Icelandic-strained. Go nuts).
• NOT HUMMUS. Hummus is a lie that we tell ourselves in order to pretend we’re having fun at our demeaning job with our lousy snacks, and the fact that sitting all day is going to kill us but “oh, look at this stiff tan glue I can dip these old celery sticks in! Wheee!” is not going to make up for the absolutely soul-wearying shittiness of BEING A THING THAT THINKS.
• Bourbon (“work bourbon” if you are feeling fancy).
• Chips (any kind).
• Pizza (cold).
• Chips (salt and vinegar).
• Pizza (room temperature).
• Churros.

 

Photo: Flickr/Daniel E. Lee

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80 Comments / Post A Comment

wearitcounts (#772)

unnggghhh salt and vinegar chips. totally my gateway food.

melis (#42)

@wearitcounts DID YOU KNOW they make sea salt and vinegar popcorn now? It is pretty okay I guess, but you have to pop the popcorn separately and then shake a little “spice packet” over it (the spice packet is entirely white and looks like cocaine, I was expecting something more brown and granular resembling sand) so the distribution of flavor varies from “none at all” to “choking on vinegar flakes.”

wearitcounts (#772)

@melis STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

WHERE???

(i always want to be choking on vinegar flakes.)

Megano! (#124)

@melis I found BALSAMIC VINEGAR chips at the store the other day, but could not buy them because I ran out of money.

melis (#42)

@Megano! THEN STEAL THEM

sox (#246)

@Megano! Boulder chip company makes a balsamic and rosemary chip that I am only allowed to buy if I’m on my way to a party and I put the bag all the way in the back of the car so I can’t possibly get to it while driving.

Megano! (#124)

@sox I don’t think these were Boulder but they were definitely a fancy $3-4 bag of chips.

maebyfunke (#292)

Salt and vinegar kettle chips! I can’t keep them in the house, they are too good.

Dancercise (#94)

Where is chocolate milk? Why is it not on this list? Don’t you even dare tell me drinks aren’t snacks.

melis (#42)

@Dancercise Snack drinks really deserve their own post, don’t you think? DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON COCONUT WATER, basically.

melis (#42)

If you have to ask me why “work bourbon” counts as food and not a drink then I don’t even want to talk to you.

Dancercise (#94)

You still have that, right? Sometimes the only thing getting me through the day in this god-forsaken cubicle is knowing that there’s Wild Turkey down the hall.

melis (#42)

@Dancercise No, we drank that the day we hired Amelia and you couldn’t stay for it, remember?

Dancercise (#94)

Well, then I guess I have no reason to be here any more.

@melis Yeah but the prices they put next to coconut water at Whole Foods are pretty hilarious though. Those are supposed to be a joke, right?

EmmaG (#1,023)

Salt and Vinegar Chips will always come second to All Dressed Ruffles. Though, to be fair, I can make a meal out of All Dressed chips, so perhaps that’s a whole other list.

melis (#42)

@EmmaG “All Dressed”? Tell me more. You interest me strangely.

EmmaG (#1,023)

@melis “All Dressed” chips are one of those wonderful little Canadian (maybe not just Canadian?) specialties. The Ruffles bag shows a picture of a vinegar bottle, an onion, and a red pepper, though the chips themselves taste very little if nothing like those flavours. It’s not quite a barbecue flavour, but it is a little acidic. I think it’s a mystery in itself.

If anyone from Canada offers you Ketchup chips though, reject them. They are foul.

I usually go for anything made by Haribo because how can something with the name Fruity Pasta not be delicious?

Dancercise (#94)

Also good: Goldfish crackers, but only original. Not “pretzel” or “white cheddar” or “rainbow colors that are probably made from crushed beetles.”

HannibalV (#1,803)

@Dancercise I would vote “yes” on the pretzel kind also, myself. Especially over strawberry ice cream, as I discovered this weekend. Hello, game-changer…

readyornot (#816)

• Sugar snap peas, fresh
• Green goddess dressing in lieu of hummus, which is indeed exactly like tan glue!
• Olives. Marinated, spiced, garlic-stuffed, go nuts!
• Nuts, literally. TJ’s Thai chili-lime cashews, or roasted peeled sunflower seeds, or just straight up almonds.
• Fruit. There is no manmade packaging which is better than a clementine peel, especially not those gawd-awful plastic packages they put around consumer electronics.

melis (#42)

Olives are terrible (any and all kinds, whether they come soaked in brine and BHP or from an old Cabernet barrel at a stupid fancy grocery store) and sugar snap peas taste like grass. KEEP EM COMING GUYS

@readyornot I was super excited when I was on a United flight last month and one of the in-flight snack choices was a package of delicious olives. THE BEST!

Those chili-lime cashews are fucking disgusting. I bought some a while back thinking it would be a fun deviation from my regular PLAIN CASHEWS or sugar-coated roasted cashews. I took one bite and said, “What the fuck is this shit? Just throw it out!”

So, yeah, plain cashews are the shit.

Megano! (#124)

@melis You and my dog can be friends. He also hates olives, but always wants me to give him some, I think because he thinks they’re pickles.

TELL ME WHAT ELSE YOU THINK YOUR DOG THINKS.

j-i-a (#746)

CHURROS ARE THE BEST SNACKS FOR REAL

pandaonaplane (#1,528)

http://www.amazon.com/Kudos-100-Calorie-Variety-Pack/dp/B005IYDVG8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1344281453&sr=8-1&keywords=kudos
Kudos still exist. I still eat them too.
Hummus is the worst thing that tries to pretend like it is food. I am so glad that someone else finally understands how awful it really is.

melis (#42)

@pandaonaplane THANK YOU

FUCK HUMMUS it is a food simulacra that represents the ultimate triumph of the machines over the human spirit

thecoffeestain (#1,483)

*Coffee (obvs)
*Cupcakes
*All kinds of chips
*Reese’s PB Cups
*Sour Patch Kids
*Chips Ahoy Cookies (The chewy kind that come in the red package)
*Granny Smith Apples
*Trail Mix
*Just a big ol’ honkin’ scoop of Peanut Butter from the jar (this may be gross to some people, but to those of us in the know…YUMMY!)

thecoffeestain (#1,483)

@thecoffeestain I forgot homemade salsa…let’s add homemade salsa…
Also tabouleh…

cherrispryte (#19)

@thecoffeestain Peanut Butter Spoon is a legitimate snack!

EmmaG (#1,023)

@thecoffeestain Granny Smith Apples + Peanut Butter spoon deserves it’s own entry.

thecoffeestain (#1,483)

@EmmaG You’re right! How could I forget! Or ants on a log! Does anybody else remember ants on a log from when you were a kid?

melis (#42)

@thecoffeestain No. You are the only one who remembers.

thecoffeestain (#1,483)

@melis Ants on log = Celery stick w/ Peanut Butter and sprinkled with Raisins… I find it hard to believe that I am the only one that remembers this classic pre-school snack…

melis (#42)

@thecoffeestain I do too, but it’s true. Out of the countless millions of middle schoolers in your age cohort, you’re the only one who remembers the very very very common snack practice (that’s “snacktice” to you Millenials) of putting peanut butter and raisins on celery sticks (with the occasional pretzel stick oars). Everyone else grew up and forgot – leaving you alone, the only Lost Boy remaining in Neverland.

GET ‘EM!

@melis And all this time I’ve been making mine with actual ants on an actual log=. Makes me wonder whether I’ve been doing humus wrong too.

@thecoffeestain I still make ants on a log! And in addition to being one of the best snacks ever for food reasons, it makes me feel like I’m in preschool for about five minutes, and therefore have no Stupid Adult Problems.

Also, I have been particularly frustrated lately, and have started doing the peanut butter spoon at work. That is usually a home-only thing, but I don’t even care anymore.

Aunt_Pete (#693)

I like snacks with some protein. Hard boiled eggs, cheese, nuts, and yes, hummus are my favs. I make my own with dried chickpeas. I feel like I could convert you “hummus=glue” people.

Also, I cannot tell a lie, sometimes I eat jerkey.

melis (#42)

@Aunt_Pete No, see, here is the thing: everyone has their “sure, but” about hummus. “Sure, but I know this great little Middle Eastern market up on 34th where-” NO. “Sure, but I have this amazing recipe where you use white beans and goat cheese and a little bit of-” STOP INSISTING UPON MEDIOCRITY, PEOPLE, LIFE IS SHORT AND HUMMUS IS NOT AN ADEQUATE SUBSTITUTE FOR JOY.

cherrispryte (#19)

@Aunt_Pete There is such a spectrum of hummus quality and tastiness! Like, most hummus, I will not even touch, but some hummus I will eat by the tub.
Specifically, since this is such a DC-centric website – there’s a chain called The Perfect Pita? OMG BEST HUMMUS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

cherrispryte (#19)

@melis HA I just did that.

Aunt_Pete (#693)

@cherrispryte That’s perfect, because I’m DC centric too :) And yes, Perfect Pita is fab!

shannowhamo (#845)

@melis I avoided hummus for so long because I (still) can’t stand whole chickpeas but then I finally came around and tried it and I LOVE IT! Just as there is apparently a backlash brewing, I’m always late to the party. I like all varieties of hummus- but it need to be spicy. I was eating falafel chips dipping hummus the other day, so much chickpea action!

City_Dater (#565)

YES. Add “real popcorn, not that microwave shit, popped in a pan on the stove with olive oil” and “jar of Nutella, clean spoon” and you have a list of All The Best Snacks.

EmmaG (#1,023)

@City_Dater “real popcorn, not that microwave shit, popped in a pan on the stove with oil and topped with copious amounts of butter and salt” <- There, I fixed it.

melis (#42)

oh my god you guys I forgot pickles on this list

thecoffeestain (#1,483)

@melis All of the +1′s!!!

@melis PICKLES! One of my biggest frustrations about the UK is that all the pickles are sweet. No kosher dills to be found! Not easily anyway. I haven’t had a decent pickle in TOO LONG.

cherrispryte (#19)

@Kate Amann@twitter I know there’s a big Polish population in the UK these days – have you tried a Polish foods store or deli or whatever? Cause damn, Poles love themselves some sour pickles.

ejcsanfran (#248)

Mangos are just not that versatile. I didn’t even need to read the rest of the list to know that it must also be incorrect.

melis (#42)

@ejcsanfran I think this is the first time you have ever commented on any of my articles and I’m not at all surprised it was to say something bitchy and undermining. I love you so much.

ejcsanfran (#248)

@melis: The only reason I haven’t commented before is that by the time I get to your articles on the Hairpin, there are way too many other comments. If I’m going to be bitchy and undermining, I want to make sure it’s seen.

readyornot (#816)

@melis This makes me feel better about the retort to olives and sugar snap peas above! It’s ok to love your abusers, guys.

cherrispryte (#19)

I don’t know which one is ascending and which one is descending.
But. Here are all the snacks which are actually the best.
- popsicles made from actual fruit/fruit juice
- dried mango
- CHEESE.
- peanut butter spoon

END OF LIST.

Megano! (#124)

You can still get those candy granola bars in Canada! Also holy fuck do I want churros now but I don’t know if there is a place you can get them here.

shannowhamo (#845)

@Megano! Do you live near a Costco? They have pretty delicious churros!

theotherginger (#1,304)

@Megano! I know you live far from downtown, but in Kensington there’s a bunch of places. more reasons to move!

Megano! (#124)

@robyn.andrews OMG I knew they lived somewhere, just not in the ‘burbs. I WILL HAVE TO GO.

Bagel chips, bagel chips, bagel chips.

Also, chips and salsa. Can’t lose.

melis (#42)

@Reginal T. Squirge Christ, I can’t even look at you right now.

Loooooove youuuuuuuuuuuu…

Important question: does this mean you are now going to keep your desk drawer stocked full of churros?

Important follow-up question: what’s the address of your office again?

melis (#42)

20 Davis Drive, Belmont, CA, 94002. Have at it.

wallrock (#1,003)

Pretzel rods and pub cheese. If pub cheese is unavailable dipping mustard will suffice. The number of times I’ve noshed on office pretzels when working into the evening has to approach 25 so far this year.

rubiksboob (#1,185)

my mom usedto make after school snacks that were pickles wrapped in ham and cream cheese. THE BEST!
also, frozen mango in water, or none at all, thank you.

melis (#42)

Frozen mango in water? Is the water frozen too? Or are there just chunks of mango floating around in your glass?

charmcity (#1,091)

There must be something in my eye, because I didn’t read “entire bag of Hershey’s Nuggets (toffee/almond variety, duh) over the course of a single afternoon”

null (#1,101)

Mangos are the best food! I can’t believe no one else has mentioned wasabi & soy sauce almonds.

NO! Wasabi peas are for weirdos!

…so I’m assuming wasabi almonds are just as gross.

null (#1,101)

I’m force feeding them to you the next time we hang out.

null (#1,101)

…or I guess I could just, like, casually offer one to you like a normal person.

sox (#246)

Has anyone had Popcorn, Indiana brand white cheddar popcorn? They only have it in the extra large bags at the Walgreens by my office. I can only buy it every once in a long while because I eat it until I’m sick…and then eat more.

@sox i don’t know about this specific brand but i will say i experience the exact same thing with smartfood white cheddar popcorn. god is it possible that there’s a more delicious brand out there? seems unholy.

sventurata (#27)

Wine gums 4 lyfe.

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