Comments on: Marrying Up But Not Giving Up

By: ThatJenn

ThatJenn — Wed, 10 Oct 2012 15:08:14 +0000

@oiseau I know this is way old but I just stumbled upon it. I think I would be super-uncomfortable being the person earning much less in my relationship, unless we lived very, very far below our means and could theoretically live on my income alone. That’s kind of embarrassing to admit, but it’s true. I’m sure I’d get used to it, but I think it would be weird. The times when I’ve made a similar amount as my partner, generally I’ve been in a much better financial situation in general/more responsible with money so I’ve had more money anyway. In my current relationship (we’ve lived together a few years, so let’s call it a marriage-like relationship), I make more but he has a lot more in savings/lower bills, so we have a kind of parity that works well for us as our expendable income is similar, but I still get to feel like I provide things for us (I do… I own the house and pay its mortgage, with help from the rent he pays me). Feeling like I can/do financially provide for my family is super important for me and I don’t see that ever changing. I think a big part of it is just knowing that I could survive without him if we split/he lost his job/whatever. The idea of being primarily dependent on my partner’s income makes me feel itchy. (Hi, divorced daughter of a divorced woman here, can you tell?)

By: Meaux

Meaux — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 18:33:02 +0000

@arrr starr. YES. I need that embroidered on a throw pillow, stat.

By: raptor41d

raptor41d — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 18:22:25 +0000

@Maryaed Maybe it’s because where I live there just aren’t many rich partners–male or female–lying around, but I don’t see a lot of that among the married couples I know.

But moving beyond what I think or you think, what do some numbers say?

There are interesting conundrums with the self employment question. The latest data that I know of (from a quick search of the Internets and the Bureau of Labor) shows that self-employed men outnumber self-employed women (5.7 million to 3.5 million, respectively), but women are more likely to have a smaller business with no other employees. So an “awful lot” of self-employed work is done by men, but it’s potentially true that women begin self-employed work on a smaller scale because it doesn’t need to be the family’s primary income.

The issue of underpayment is even trickier because that are so many confounding variables alongside sex, like educational attainment, race, and the overall income bracket of the household. The continuing demonstrable pay gap between men and women doing similar work, though, is clearly problematic. And maybe some married women are more willing to accept lower wages because they are supported by better paying spouses.

But “marry rich and give in to being supported for the rest of your life” wasn’t the point of this article. It was, “I was supported, and now I get to be the supporter.” Because in the modern world, for a lot of young married couples, that’s how it works. Sometimes you’re the financial support; sometimes your partner is.

By: mhpierce

mhpierce — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 14:57:20 +0000

I registered just to say how much I love the tags on this. Also, I had more money than my boyfriend growing up, and now he earns more than me, and I’m sure we’ll carry on switching positions from time to time. And let’s not forget that Wentworth doesn’t mind that Anne Elliot isn’t rich any more.

By: carolita

carolita — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 02:52:26 +0000

@Harriet Kierkegaard@facebook hey, I’m living with a guy who’s just as broke as me. We’re both artists, and probably not going to ever be rich. We rent, we have no car, we don’t buy each other expensive stuff, we don’t pay off each other’s debt magnanimously. If we do, we do it with a little bit of good-natured anxiety, and really hope to be paid back soon. Poor us, right? Um. Well, I think we’re kind of like a lot of people. I never hoped to marry someone with dough, and he certainly never did, either.

By: Maryaed

Maryaed — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 23:35:45 +0000

@raptor41d Yes, but wouldn’t you say an awful lot of underpaid and self-employed work is done by women exactly because it needs a safety net in the form of a richer partner? You don’t find this to be a sinister pattern in any way?

By: bb

bb — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 22:03:19 +0000

By: raptor41d

raptor41d — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 21:43:27 +0000

@Maryaed For the first five years of our marriage, my husband had an interesting, creative job in which he worked like 50-55 hours a week and was paid terribly. He probably would have been able to get by on his own, but it would have been a close call. My job provided the health care and the majority of our retirement savings. And then, with my first big raise, I started making nearly twice what he did.

I never resented him for doing what he loved, nor would I have accused him of not being able to “pull his weight.” Our marriage–as marriages should–had more than one way to be a contributing member. He cooks, helps clean, and takes care of our house and garden. Expecting his sole, or even his primary, contribution to the marriage to be financial would have been remarkably sexist and narrow minded.

In the last four years, I’ve had at least two other coworkers whose husbands took a significant pay cuts because of fallout from the recession. Each couple found ways to work around it by reevaluating their financial reality and their expectations of who was going to do what in the relationship.

Life, it turns out, is financially risky–unless you’re a rich kid of instagram, or something. Marriage can heighten some of those risks if you and your partner don’t see eye-to-eye on financial matters. However, in the best cases, marriage helps smooth out some of those risks.

Also, how did we jump to the “no retirement savings” conclusion? Even if that is the case here, the fact that one’s career is writing (or any sort of self-employed work) will have far more to do with that than a person’s marital status.

By: Harriet Welch

Harriet Welch — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 20:46:03 +0000

Love love love. Two days after I got engaged I lost a job I hated and a car i hated broke down. We traded in my car and bought a fancy new one in my husband’s name. I cried inthe bathroom at the dealership. I felt badly for not contributing. However, I Negotiated the price and terms of the car to save us about $5k. My options for employment (while in school) were limited to jobs I hated. My wonderful fiancé (now husband) sat me down and reminded me of the fact that he made 2x what either of us had I the last three years. He said he would rather have a happy, unstressed wife and live on one income. It took a while for me to come to terms with it,but I did. He said that since he met me he wanted to see what I would be capable of if all of the bullshit were removed from my life. I was interested to see too. Turns out, when I am not freaking out about rent, I am better, stronger, more creative and more loving. It was amazing to me how clear and calm I felt. We don’t have much, but we have what we need. He is happy because I have the time and energy to be the most supportive wife in the world, I am happy because he is happy. It wasn’t about the money, it was that my non-monetary contributions (moral support, time, extreme thrift) were just more valuable to our family.

By: Harriet Kierkegaard@facebook

Harriet Kierkegaard@facebook — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 20:17:28 +0000

@Maryaed I’d like to see a piece on the “loser/slacker who can’t pull his weight.” Which is to say I’d like to read a piece by someone who is married to one.