Unfortunate Things I’ve Written In Roommate Application Emails
In my grand quest for the perfectly affordable apartment, I’ve spent a lot of time on Craigslist. I thought it’d be easy to impress potential roommates by email with a mix of self-deprecating coolness and un-uptight responsibility. But the response rate of people begging me to check out their newly renovated loft apartments was low. I decided to read through my old emails with fresh eyes to discover if I was doing something wrong. I was.
• “It’s a steady job that pays pretty well, but the “freelance” title means they don’t have to provide benefits.”
(Translation: “I will not pay rent on time.”)
• “I like to stay informed, talk my Adorno, Marx, Hegel, etc. I’ve spent time working with NGOs in Latin America promoting sex education and women’s rights. I’m probably a social democrat.”
(In my defense, I was pandering to live in a $450/month “leftist-activist space” in Bedstuy. But yes, this is absolutely obnoxious.)
• “I have good credit and would be happy to sign a lease. Sadly, I don’t floss very regularly. Please don’t hold it against me.”
(Sub-standard hygiene habits! Also: Dental jokes! I don’t understand why they didn’t respond!)
• “I’ve held multiple leases (without getting kicked out or pissing anyone off)”
(The introduction of the pejorative seems unnecessary.)
• “To prove that I’m not a creep/robot…”
(Not inspiring confidence either.)
• “In my free time, I also like to watch television on my computer, sometimes write about said television on my computer, and cook a nice meal before spending time in front of my computer watching television.”
(While a perhaps accurate depiction of what I do half the week, I would not want to get a beer with this person.)
• “I’ve been living in Prospect Park South (with a horrible dearth of good coffee shops) with a couple friends from college who spend all of every weekend in the apartment with friends over, loudly playing music and Settlers of Catan.”
(And did I mention that I have a cape and am a Dungeon Master with no friends?)
• “As proof of my character, I can submit a dreamcatcher I made in Girl Scouts.”
(Nope.)
Jenny An is a writer and fact checker in Brooklyn.
You had me at “Girl Scout dreamcatchers”…
Oh goodness. Mine were TERRIBLE when I moved to DC. Thankfully my lady is moving here (in 2 weeks! yikes!) and so we will only need to impress a landlord, not roommates.
@stuffisthings landlords are pretty easy to impress. “I can and will pay rent, and will not destroy your property.”
@probs Wellll it’s a little more complicated, because I have awful credit (though I have a steady job) and my girlfriend is a student from France (so has no US credit history) though she has a stipend, a pension, and student loans. I don’t think either of us alone could prove that we could afford the whole place. Also, I smoke, but only outdoors.
@stuffisthings ah, I getcha. Some landlords don’t care too much about credit at least. Best of luck!
@stuffisthings
Oh God, the terrible world of DC Group Houses.
My friend got halfway through an interview-dinner (interview-dinner? I know…) when the residents mentioned that she would have to be okay with load BDSM sex. She said she wouldn’t, but the rest of the dinner was very informative!
A landlord wouldnt be able to reject you if its true you had good credit. Maybe it should be illegal for tenants to reject roommates too for any other reason than credit.
@Azi Graeber@twitter I disagree… this is the person you’re living with. They can make your life hell even if they pay their bills on time.
There is nothing wrong with playing Settlers of Catan. Fuck a book group: I would like a Catan group. I even have the 2-player card version WITH the supplemental card sets, including that wackily nifty wizard expansion kit. And the economics expansion kit.
What? I’m a dork? What?
Finding roommates via Craigslist is rough and I am terrified for trying again in a couple of months when my lease is up. How can you ever strike the right balance without coming off as either way too chill (you have to be approachable, right?!) or way too uptight (because there is no way in hell I’m ending up with another unsatisfactory cleaning/bill paying situation next time)? Endless frustration and anxiety.