1. Find a penny, pick it up, what am I saying, don’t pick it up, oh god, do you know where it’s been? You’ll get sick and that will cost you so much more.
2. If you give someone $4 in an East Asian country, they will die, maybe. The Chinese word for four sounds a lot like the word for death, don’t you know?
3. When someone asks for spare change, refuse. You need whatever change you have to change your life—to change the world! You can spare a dollar though.
4. Speaking of which, one dollar will make someone holler at you, if you owe them a lot more than that.
5. Money doesn’t grow on trees—it grows in a cave that’s backed by gold and gems found by dwarves.
6. Speaking of which, there was an eighth dwarf that was supposed to protect Snow White, but he was accused of messing with the interest rates for rare gems, and was put in jail in what is now known as the biggest banking scandal in Dwarf history.
7. Picking up matches burnt and frayed, doesn’t meant that you’ll get paid. It means you found the matches from the Little Match Girl, and she died because she couldn’t sell enough matches to pay the rent.
8. Peel an onion, burn the skin, and nobody wins. What are you doing, this is crazy. But here’s my number. Call me.
9. If you blow a hundred bubbles, and pop them all, the financial markets will collapse and we’ll be in a recession for 1,000 years.
10. If your hand starts to itch, it either means you’re going to receive money, or that you’ve developed a skin condition. Try not to scratch, because you’ll make it worse.
11. If you are an American and find a Canadian penny in your jar of coins, it means that the people who you think are your parents, aren’t really your parents, and that your real parents are in Canada, and they left that penny as a clue for you to find them.
12. If you wash your pants with money it, you need to pack your things and make a new life for yourself in a new country, because you’re going to go to prison for money laundering.
13. Money isn’t real. Nothing is.