1. I cannot carry a queen-sized box spring alone
In my head, a box spring was just a hollow wooden frame and therefore totally a thing that I could drag six blocks from Liberty Department Store to my home. The owner of the store had some idea about the futility of my plan, which he shared by saying: “You know once I have your money, I’m done with you?” I nodded. I knew it wasn’t going to be “fun” or “easy” necessarily, but it seemed totally doable. The owner even let me try to move the thing before I bought it. It moved! It moved a few inches. SOLD.
In five minutes I made it half a block. Doable! Just slowly. I paused for moment to breathe and very nice man about to cross the street looked at me and asked if I needed help. I said: “No, thanks! I feel like I deserve this.” He ignored me and lifted the front of the box spring and we carried it six blocks over our heads. It was heavy. We got to my house and I said I could take it from there and could I please give him some money? He said no. I didn’t give him a hug but I wanted to. I spent the next hour trying to navigate the thing up my stairs. I don’t know how it worked, but it worked. My mattress is now six inches off the ground, and it feels great. (Box spring, $79.99)
2. It is possible to go to Ikea and not buy anything
I went to Ikea. I did not buy anything.
3. Cash is better in theory than it is in practice
On Friday I took $100 out of the ATM and had the delusional idea that it would be all of my money for the weekend. By Saturday afternoon I was down to $8 and was positive that I lost at least one twenty and maybe two. I’m still not entirely sure. Maybe I did spend it all (likely) but this is all I can remember:
$8: sando and iced coffee from Pret
$26: repaid Mike Dang for spotting me Thursday night
$3: ice cream cone with sprinkles after work on Friday
$4: Gatorade from the bodega and something else, maybe ice cream (probably ice cream)
$10: plant in a little terra-cotta pot from a garden store in Red Hook
$3: coconut gelato cone
$18: two dish bins and a plastic bowl and two forks and some garbage bags and some ice trays and a metal pan to put ice in and some sponges, preparations for me to start eating food at home (the dish bins are to keep my food in so I know what is mine and eat it instead of opening the fridge and assuming everything is my roommate’s and then go out to dinner), all from the 99 cents store
That’s $88. Plus the $8 I had left when I noticed all of my money was gone is $96, and that other $4 is probably in change in the bottom of my bag, or I rounded down in my price recall, which is likely, if not certain.
4. Sometimes you actually need cash and in those cases maybe you should hold onto it and not spend it all on ice cream, just a thought
All that cash that I frittered away on ice cream and junk had an intended purpose, so I got another $120 out of the ATM (plus fees, it was too hot to walk to Duane Reade).
$22: laundry (I drop it off, and I know there are a lot of people who are very against this idea but to you I say: No. You’re wrong. This is a totally legitimate use of money.)
$60: haircut. I got it cut by this girl in her house and it was $40, but then I felt like I had to tip her (even though that $40 was going straight in her pocket? Unclear). Normally I would have totally tipped her the full $20, but I am trying really hard not to be a crazy tipper so I asked her if she had change for a twenty. She didn’t so I gave her the twenty.
$6: iced coffee and bagel with cream cheese and tomato
That’s $86. I have two twenties in my wallet. I have no plans for it, necessarily, but I’m sure I’ll figure out something. It happens to be a talent of mine.
5. Thinking I would only spend $100 this weekend was really rich
$88 (spent out of first hundred) + $86 (spent out of second $120) +$79.99 (box spring, debit) + $6 (flowers to bring to a friend’s house, debit, I was “conserving cash”) = $259.99 (I’m going to go vomit now, see you later.)