Getting Hitched
“Are you going to blog about any of this?” my friend Cat asked me on Saturday, at our friend Ellen’s wedding in California.
“Oh, maybe, but what would I write about that hasn’t been written about a billion times already?”
Cat: “About all the fun we’re having!”
Mike: “Yeah, I love that they got married outdoors in front of this gorgeous lake, and that the reception is going to be outdoors under this giant white tent with lights strung across the top. They really got lucky with the weather today.”
Cat: “What did you end up getting them?”
Mike: “I’m a firm believer in the registry. There’s a reason why there’s a registry! Some people try to go off the registry to get something unique, and that’s thoughtful, but I think you should just stick with what the couple says they want.”
Cat: “What did you get them from the registry?”
Mike: “Well, the things I wanted to get them were already taken by other people, and I didn’t really like what was left, so I decided to get them a gift card to the place they registered.”
Cat: “Oh, that’s smart. Yeah, when Steve and I got married, we registered for a ton of things so that people would have lots to choose from, and so they wouldn’t go off the registry, and then we ended up returning a bunch of stuff so that we could get a store credit and get stuff that we needed later.”
Mike: “Hey, does that mean you returned that table and ice cream scoop I got you? I wanted you guys to think of me every time you had ice cream. I wanted you to associate the happiness of eating ice cream with your friend who lives across the country.”
Cat: “Well, I wanted to return it, but Steve really wanted to keep it, so we kept it. We love it!”
Mike: “Oh good.”
Cat: “What else do you think you’ll write about?”
Mike: “Maybe I’ll write about the money dance. I liked that they lined up the men and women to dance with the bride and groom, and they each had to pay a dollar to dance with either of them.”
Cat: “You hadn’t heard of that before?”
Mike: “This is the first time I’ve seen it in real life, I think. They announced that the money would be used for the honeymoon, but I think a dollar was a bargain! But maybe it’s really more about the guests dancing with the couple, rather than the actual money going to the honeymoon.”
Cat: “Yeah, what else? The food?”
Mike: “Oh yeah, the food! So I’ve been to a lot of traditional Asian weddings, and maybe some of the Billfold readers aren’t aware of this, but at traditional Asian weddings, it’s not a ‘steak or chicken’ situation. It’s 12 courses of never-ending food, plus additional courses for vegetarians. Each course is put on a lazy susan in the center of the table, and they come quickly—every 7 minutes or so—because since there’s so many courses, you’re basically eating for more than an hour.”
Cat: “Will you remember all the things we ate, so you can write about it?”
Mike: “Let’s see. The vegetarians were served some dishes first, which were veggie fried rice, vegetarian egg rolls, and tofu in some sort of garlic sauce. And then we had:
1. Chicken and picked vegetables
2. Crab, sea cucumber, and chicken soup
3. Deep fried lobster
4. Shrimp and candied walnuts
5. Peking duck
6. Steamed buns
7. Chinese broccoli and mushrooms
8. Korean short ribs
9. Pork fried rice
10. Steamed grouper
11. Fruit salad
12. Wedding cake (with strawberries)”
Cat: “You should also talk about the bar and the photo booth.”
Mike: “Oh, right, I thought that was smart of them. They had a photo booth so the guests could take fun photos of each other, and then the bride and groom would also get a copy of all the photos everyone took, which I imagine would be really fun to look at after the wedding. And there was an open bar that served beer, but you could also order the bride’s signature drink which was lavender lemonade with vodka, or the groom’s drink, which was a caipirinha cocktail, and none of us figured out how to say it.”
Cat: “Are you going to remember all of this?”
Mike: “I hope so! Also, I have to go to another wedding next weekend, so maybe I’ll do a followup!”
I have been meaning to create a commenter ID since forever because I love this site and read it every day, so I will be up for the following by making other really nice comments at another time. For now though, I have to say that I find it really annoying when people do what Cat did with her registry. Why would you register for stuff with the intention of taking it back? Isn’t that the same as (though less honest than) just asking for money? In fact if I were your friend I’d rather you ask me for money — at least that way I got you something you wanted/needed.
And, since registry complaints are my hobby horse, I must say that Mike Dang is an absolute saint for not being offended that Cat said she would have returned his ice-cream scoop gift if it were up to her.
@madrassoup Since we’re indulging cranky complaints about registries, can I add my disappointment about the “you should never go off the registry” advice? Registries were intended to be a convenience to help guests, not a contract they had to abide by. Don’t know the bride and groom that well? A second cousin twice removed who isn’t sure what kids these days like? Not sure what they do and don’t have? Don’t worry! The registry can help you figure out what to give them. But. Let’s say you know the bride and groom pretty well. And maybe you don’t like shelling out money for boring stuff like towels and silverware. Maybe you want to get them something more personalized, something you’ve put some thought into, because you like giving gifts that indicate you’ve thought about the recipient and what he/she/they likes. That’s kind and thoughtful, and should be encouraged. A wedding is not a quid pro quo undertaking. You don’t feed me buffet food and cake in exchange for a kitchen gadget. You invite me because you care about me, and I come because I care about you, and maybe I care about you enough that I want to get you something other than the three dozen things you’ve pre-selected. And I hope you love it, but if you don’t, that’s okay, too. We can’t always love everything we’re given. But the act of selecting something with you in mind is meaningful and should be appreciated.
tl;dr: down with the tyranny of gift registries. Some of us like to buy personalized gifts. Or even make our friends quilts when we’re reasonably sure their tastes and ours match up. And that’s not an unspeakable crime against the inviolate wedding registry.
@madrassoup Oh, I never get offended with stuff like that. If the bride and groom change their minds and want to return everything, well, ok then! Whatever will make you happy, marrieds! Personally, I wouldn’t register for anything I don’t want only because I really don’t like going to the store to return things (which is probably why I avoid shopping as much as possible).
@Mike Dang Yeah, that sounds like the biggest pain in the ass.
mike! great article. i’m glad you addressed so many parts of the wedding! @madrassoup, a lot of people actually feel awkward about gifting money and would prefer to purchase something for wedding gifts. in addition, the situation my husband and i are in does not call for us to be able to store a lot of the gifts that were given to us. but, all in all i can understand your perspective too! to each their own!
oh and p.s. i really do love the ice cream scooper now! and we do think of you every time we use it!…and every time we use our table in a bag! :o)
@cat hoang@twitter That is all I ever wanted for you!
I would recommend everybody get a photo booth or a similar setup if they can fit it into their budget! They’re fun for the guests and I think the pictures add a nice counterpoint to the professional photographs.
traditional Asian weddings! I’m from Singapore and that is all we ever have. Big fat Chinese weddings. Big fat Indian weddings. (We will be perplexing my husband’s family this June with a traditional Asian wedding…in Cleveland.)
One thing puzzles me – why was there a registry if it was a traditional Asian wedding? We simplify everything by giving cash. All cash, all the time. That’s the best way!
God, I hate the money dance. Super embarrassing. The best thing about being married is that it exempts you from the most awful wedding stuff, like the bouquet/garter business, but of course they had to invent to money dance to introduce an even more awkward thing.
Also, WEDDING PROTIP: switching your open bar to do beer only is super key and an amazing way of spending money. Also see if they’ll do domestics only for even less – you might be surprised what counts as a “domestic”!
We saved something like $25/person total by doing that, and found out at the wedding that “domestics only” still included a ton of craft beers, Sam Adams, Guinness, and a bunch of other stuff, when we were basically just expecting like Yuengling and Miller. So, DOUBLE score.
@Leon Tchotchke Er, an amazing way of SAVING money.
The registry! I love registries and usually buy off of them, but not always.
When I got married a year ago we registered for a ton of stuff but it was all stuff that we needed/wanted and we didn’t return anything. But a few people did do funny things–for example several people bought us wine glasses and said “you didn’t register for wine glasses so we thought we’d get you some!” The reason we didn’t register for them was that we already had a full set! So now we have extras, which is fine.
My mother-in-law also said something to the effect of that registries are only for people who “don’t know us or don’t know what we might like.” Totally untrue as she went off-registry and got us a bunch of stuff we barely use/don’t need. I think when in doubt, buy from the registry or give gift cards! Restaurant gift cards are great.
@schmuhl I think there must be some age where a switch in your brain suddenly flips and you go from being cognizant of the fact that you have no clue what to get your relatives to suddenly thinking you know EXACTLY what to get them.
I suspect it has something to do with buying presents for infants.
@Leon Tchotchke haha YUP!
For shower gifts, I tend to buy from the registry. As far as the actual wedding is concerned, I have frequently found what Mike said to be true: most of the registry items have already been purchased. Consequently, I almost always write people a check for their wedding present. As gauche as it might seem to other generations, things are definitely different now. A lot of couples live together before marriage and need money more than they need a third set of coffee mugs.