What To Buy For The Discerning Tush

Picking out toilet paper is HARD. Should you go with  the quilting ladies? The cuddly bear? The naked baby? The puppy? WHICH IS THE BEST? Consumer Reports has the answer (of course). And get this:

Nobody tests toilet paper like Consumer Reports. To measure strength, we call in the Instron, a device that slowly pushes a steel ball through stacked sheets. Sensory panelists judge softness by gently caressing the individual sheets


The winners are both found only at Wal-Mart, so if you shop there, make sure to buy either White Cloud (a white cloud) or Great Value (a stuffed bunny). Otherwise, Quilted Northern (a quilt) is it, apparently. Happy wiping.

Photo Credit: flickr/goodncrazy


6 Comments / Post A Comment

pearl (#153)

My butt has spoken and it likes Trader Joe’s toilet paper. Good and cheap.

Don’t get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.

Megano! (#124)

I buy what’s on sale, though ideally it is made from recylcled fibres. My butt is not picky, but it does like to try and do the environment a solid (pun intended).

tiptoemammal (#152)

Yeah, I vote for purchasing sustainable products. There are some super cheap recycled tp brands out there, and no, they aren’t quilted and made from cotton (?!), but they work for wiping waste off of your undercarriage. Which, why the hell do you need a cotton quilt for that? You are literally buying this product to throw it away.

@tiptoemammal Clearly you don’t have hemmorrhoids. A lot of people do, and the softness of toilet paper really matters to them. The “quilted” or textured paper is better because it actually picks up the waste rather than smearing it around (sorry to put that visual in your head but we are talking about wiping our butts here). And strength matters because I don’t want it coming apart in my hand while I’m using it because ew, gross. So if the cheap stuff works for you, that’s awesome for you! But it doesn’t work for everybody. Texture, strength, and softness are important, in varying degrees to different people. But they’re all important to someone for specific reasons.

Also, I don’t think any toilet paper is actually made of cotton.

Why can’t we all just use bidets? It’s the cleanest, healthiest, and most sustainable method.

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