Sometimes Things Stay The Same, Unfortunately
This morning I wrote a rent check for $700. I only have $684 in my bank account (so close, yet). This is somewhat stressful but not too stressful, as it occurs with such regularity that it’s become banal. These things happen, and then they usually work out. Either money comes in from somewhere or the landlord doesn’t make it to the bank for a few days or, worse case scenario, my check bounces, I incur fees and have to apologize and promise it will never happen again.
I was sitting here trying to think about how this happened, then I remembered: this is how it always happens. When I have money, which I did up until a few days ago, I spend it in a vacuum, totally disregarding how long that money is meant to last me, or what other creditors might come tapping into my account. Why does this feel like this happens every month? That I am always scrambling to cover my rent or my credit card bill or my insurance check? Because it does, practically.
The following is a selection of gchat conversations and emails from 2006 to the present, found by searching for the phrases: “i hate money,” “i am an idiot,” “i am a failure,” “i am so poor,” and “i am so broke.” They have been edited for clarity, and in some cases, content. I say often, “I don’t know what to do.” That is lie. I know exactly what to do. I just don’t want to do it.
December 2006
Me: I hate money
Kate: i hate not having it
Me: yeah maybe thats the root sentiment
Me: im looking at shit online and just found a money clip that has this yiddish proverb on it: “With money in your pocket, you are wise and you are handsome and you sing well too.”
Kate: hahaha that’s awesome
Me: theres another one with this oscar wilde quote, also very appropriate: “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from lack of imagination.”
Kate: ugh
Kate: i do not spend money i don’t have
Kate: credit card debt — the thought of it — makes me panic horribly
Me: yes well i have some
Me: $7k
Me: and it is a specter that haunts me
Kate: that is terrifying
Me: i don’t know where it came from
Me: i mean i sort of do
September 2007
Me: im a failure at life greg
Me: this is me
Me: failing at life
Greg: why?
Me: money
Me: i just can’t get myself together
Greg: Oh well I just got a new job?
Greg: It’s a pretty good one
Me: …
Greg: what’s wrong?
Me: i am having such a hard time being an adult
Me: i have $116 in my account
Greg: how’s the CC bill?
Me: i got a notice that i missed a health ins payment and they are going to cancel if don’t pay in 10 days
Me: Oh thats back up to $1,000, please
Me: i just don’t understand
Me: i am so stupid
Greg: are you making money right now?
Greg: do you have a job?
Me: kind of
Me: But I’m also taking spanish classes? for $200 a month?
Me: And ballet classes, $200
Me: And a sewing class, $150
Greg: You’re PAYING for this stuff?!?!?!
Me: why did i do this to myself
Me: why
Me: why
Me: why
Greg: what are you DOING?!
Me: i don’t know
September 2007
Me: i am a failure
Me: i overdrew my acount
Me: and have been for the past WEEK
Greg: ….
Me: i am so stupid
Greg: efff
Greg: how did this happen?
Greg: are you broke?
Me: yes
Me: ill have a check for work on tuesday
Me: so thatll cover that stuff
Me: but like
Me: then rent is due
Me: and i dont know what happend to me
Me: i mean i used to be smart
Greg: it happens
Greg: we all get dumber with age
Me: i peaked in like 8th grade
Me: My mom’s actually told me this
September 2007
Greg: I wish we never had to work and could just sit around and ponder life all day
Me: Isn’t that basically what we do?
Greg: Well … yea
Greg: But we have this added stress of MONEY, which … can’t let us reach enlightenment
Me: Yes. It’s the money’s fault.
October 2008
To: Jill
From: Logan
Subject: (no subject)
i am so screwed and i don’t know what to do
i overdrew my account big time – it’s like at 100 bucks in the red right now
but that’s after like 6 transactions
each which is going to give me a 35 dollar fee
so tonight it will be like 300 in the red
and then i’m going to keep getting those effing fees all week
i get paid on friday
i guess like 500 bones?
but i have a 180 credit card bill due saturday
i just tried to transfer balances so i can get cash from my credit card but it takes like a week or something
i don’t know how many times i’m going to do this to myself before i effing shape up and pay attention
that is all
had to vent to someone
ack
love, logan
October 2011
Me: i am looking at my dollars for the first time in a long time
Me: PROBLEMATIC
Me: it really is unbelievable that i do this to myself
Mike: Um. That’s what happens when you live your life like a gansta without income
November 2011
Lisa: i’m ok
Lisa: stressed
Lisa: but ok
Lisa: how are you?
Me: also stressed and also ok
Me: im sorry your’e stressed :(
Lisa: i’m sorry you’re stressed!
Me: mine is par for the course, money stuff that’s come up because i ignored it for weeks (months), as usual
Lisa: :(
Me: i managed to put out all my fires, but only by using those terrible terrible terrible “convenience checks” they send you in the mail
Me: TERRIBLE
February 2012
Me: I know I always say it’s going to be the last time, but this time I really mean it
Me: It’s time to be a grownup
Me: Only spending money I have: Go.
March 2012:
From: Me
To: Emily Books
Subject: (no subject)
emily and ruth,
due to a meltdown at ikea in which i forgot i’m a Poor Person, i just had to cancel my auto paypall payment for tomorrow so i don’t overdraw my account (oh and did i mention i’m launching A BLOG ABOUT MONEY!?!) anyway, i get new funds in a few days and then i’ll reinstate it and send you your dollars. SO SORRY ABOUT THIS.
April 2012:
Me: I’m never going to change, am I
Me: No, you’re never going to change
Me: But I really want to change
Me: History isn’t really in your favor on this one
Photo Credit: flickr/ Klearchos Kapoutsis
I spend it in a vacuum
I read this as “I spend it on a vacuum” and was like “HELL YEAH THESE ARE MY PEOPLE RIGHT HERE!!!” and then I was all “Oh.”
@Jolie Kerr Had the exact same reaction.
@Jolie Kerr Dyson or Miele? Let’s both answer at the same time!
@Nicole Cliffe@facebook I didn’t even realize I read it as buying a vacuum until I read this and was like, well yeah Jolie’s happy she bought a vacuum, DUH. Until I got to “Oh.” Ooooooh.
LOGAN, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PAYPAL YOU SIXTEEN DOLLARS? Also, yay, Emily Books.
@Nicole Cliffe@facebook Haha, Nicole, you’re amazing. Thanks for the offer. I’m figuring out some funds transferring magic and am going to be just fine. xx
Today, without knowing that she was going to write this post, I asked Logan if she had enough money in her bank account. I understand this cycle that she gets in and I’m trying to step in and stop it before it happens again. But it’s a little like Groundhog Day? I’m trying to figure out THE THING that’s going to help Logan get a better grip on her money. I know Logan would have borrowed money from me if it wasn’t for this conversation.
@Mike Dang NEVER AGAIN. I’M GONNA BE A BIG GIRL (and borrow money from … my credit card?)
@Mike Dang God, everyone should be so lucky to have a friend like you!
@Cat Ballou I’ll be your friend too!
@Mike Dang !
Mike Dang, to me, right now: “I feel like you need to show me your bank account everyday. Also, I really think you should try the envelope system. It works for a lot of people. It’d be a fun little post. OR you can give me your money, and then you have to ask me for it, and sometimes I’ll say NO.”
@Logan Sachon You guys are like the Goofus and Gallant of finance!
@Logan Sachon Yes, it could be like Gail Vaz-Oxlade and her fabulous books and TV shows! If you don’t like to face your monties going cash only can be a great way to figure out where your money goes. If you’re willing to face your monties you can use Mint and be shamed by graphs every other month into straightening out (this is my system, basically), but you have to actually log in every day and make sure the transactions are categorized correctly.
@highjump the problem there is that it’s just so easy not to login!
@Logan Sachon Word to that. Try the envelopes thing! That way when you open your wallet to spend some money you have to look at the entire pile of money which is ALL the money you get for a month (or two weeks) so it is more difficult to spend in a vacuum. I, personally, cannot deal with carrying a lot of cash because I am too suggestible and just spend it on what is right in front of me (usually food) and then promptly forget where it went. But! I am great about logging in to Mint every day to say to myself “You spent HOW MUCH at Starbucks this month?! Jesus Highjump you are such a stereotype! Get it together.” We all have our strengths and weaknesses.
@Logan Sachon The envelope system worked for me when I was a broke-ass graduate student. At one point, I worked out that I had $50 week of discretionary spending, which sucked, even in 1997 in a Midwestern college town. But every day I took my $7 out of the envelope.
The best part was, I took the few dollars that were left at the end of the week, if there was any, and put it into my “Stuff I Will Buy For My Solo Apartment Next Year” envelope. I was in a shared house that had gone from awesome to awful with some roommate changes, but the next year, I was going to have more money and take over an ex-roommate’s studio apartment when she finished her degree. That last envelope, that little bit of savings towards a goal, was a huge deal to me. I remember taking it out and counting it on bad days. (and I still have some of the things I bought with that money, too!)
@Logan Sachon YOU GUYS – i’m engaged and I told my fiance that this is what i wanted to do and my bff was like NOOO what if something happens you have to learn to be responsible with your money. But secretly, this is my plan when we get married. I give him ALL THE MONEY and then he says no and I pout like a child. (But do not spend money.)
I do kind of like that idea actually. I’ll get an allowance!
@Logan Sachon I am a 100% firm believer in the allowance system! Like, you have multiple bank accounts, put money you earn into a long-term account immediately without stopping go (call this one “savings”) and then give yourself an allowance once a week or twice a month into another account (call this one “checking”). Day to day stuff, only take out of checking. Everything you know happens every month at a set cost, move from savings to checking only when you need to pay it.
@jfruh PS consider this comment a tentative pitch for a Billfold article where I describe my insane Russian nesting dolls of accounts that I use to keep myself honest and/or solvent!
@jfruh PLEASE TELL ALL logan@thebillfold.com
@jfruh Yes! I have an insane system (perfected over the years) of “sinking funds” where I have like 7 different ING savings accounts and dump a little bit of each paycheck into each one every pay day. Rent, Car, Cellphone, Food, Fun, Healthcare, etc. I can see exactly how much I have for each area at a glance. The fixed expenses (Rent and Cellphone etc) are pretty straightforward, but it’s helpful to see the EXACT limit I have to spend on fun (booze). This also involves logging in all the time and embracing the puzzle of fitting the numbers where I want/need them to be.
@Spinach Party this sounds … incredible? also: incredibly complicated.
I relate to the credit card debt part of this. That shizz never goes away. I spend a lot of time cursing my younger self.
You can change! I did! A decade go I had 10k worth of credit card debt and virtually no control over my money (earning 28k in San Francisco, it was not surprising how broke I constantly was). You need to become OBSESSED with your cash account balances. Like, balance your accounts (ALL OF THEM, checking, credit cards, student loans) every day. It’ll take less than 15 minutes once you get in the habit – do it before you hit your blogroll. And then balance your accounts for the future – like, the money you’re expecting to have to spend in a week, a month, the income you’re expecting for the week, the month…eventually (within a few months?) you’ll get a feel for your fiscal cycle and be able to plan accordingly.
I’m sure there are Excel spreadsheets available for this, but it was easier (and more real) for me to do by hand in a checkbook register (though now I use my iPhone).
Budgets don’t really work for me, but knowing where my money was going helped me reign in the impulse spending.
Also, stop using the credit card. Just stop fullstop, right this very second.
(PS Happy ending: a decade after being in financial straits, I have substantial savings, pay off my CC in full each month for CC points I use to travel overseas several times a year, and own a home in Santa Barbara. And I still balance all of my cash accounts every g-d day.)
Budgeting is wonderful. But it doesn’t really help you (me) accept that you can’t have the stuff you think you should be able to have, or should have had by now, or just want really badly. I am the best at making budgets but horrible at following them because THE HARD TRUTHS! I just can’t believe that I don’t get the proverbial Spanish, ballet, sewing lessons AND all my bills paid. Can somebody write a post that will hypnotize me into being able to accept it?
@hannah k. I think I’m the opposite of you? Like, the idea of making a budget just stresses me out. I do not want to know how much I’m spending on alcohol and fancy coffee and new dresses. But! I have a vague but unerring sense of ‘can I afford it?’ that doesn’t steer me wrong. So I’m very much in acceptance of what I can and can’t buy. (I guess this means I’m an intuitive budgeter? I just don’t like to consciously be aware of it.)
The hardest day of my life was realizing that money–at least, the meager income of a graduate student/ writer/ tutor–didn’t pay for fun things (clothes, sewing lessons, fancy salt) but essentials like rent and gas.
Ugh this is the story of my life—how does one fix it???
I am lucky enough to have a pretty hefty safety net (thanks dad for suing for medical malpractice on my behalf when I was three!), and while I am grateful it’s both a blessing and a curse. The blessing being that obviously… it’s there for me to fall back on, the curse that I fall back on it ALL. THE. TIME. Last month I took out enough money to pay off my built up credit card debt, plus an extra $1000 “safety net” for when I need to pay rent and haven’t my paycheck yet… well let’s just say that money is basically gone and my debt has gone up a bit since I paid off a large sum. What. The. Fuck. I also realized that I spend literally all my disposable income on coffee… I can’t afford coffee with my shitty retail job. Oops.
Have you ever seen “The Extra Man”? It’s not very good, but one of the characters is an odd old man who rents out a room in his apartment because he spent all his inheritance foolishly in his youth. He haunts me.
@Jobeans I guess one idea is to put the safety net money where’s it not so accessible – like in a CD? You could put some of the money in a regular savings account so it’s an actual accessible emergency fund, but put the rest where you can’t touch it.
I feel like every time I get somewhere, I hit a wall. Like I will try to save up my little emergency fund, $1000 or whatever, but then when it gets to like $800 think “Oh I could pay off a big chunk of my CC” and so I transfer $500 out and then my dog gets sick and I don’t have enough in my EF to pay for it so I charge it and suddenly I have even more debt than before. This has happened twice in six months. Ack.
But I’ve got a budget spreadsheet, a debt snowball spreadsheet, and accounts with Mint, Ready For Zero, and Impulse Save, so I am determined to make progress this year.
@backstagebethy Ack! This is me, too! I am making slow, slow, slow progress, but it is hard. And I really hate that I put myself in this situation.
Logan,
Although this is scary and I seriously feel for you – I also found this SO COMFORTING. Mike Dang seems really on top of his shit, and other people who write for this site have mortgages (??), so I was starting to feel like the only person on earth who’s ever gone into CC debt to buy a humidifier.
So…thank you?
Logan:thank you, thank you. Your writing on this site helps me get that I don’t have to have all of my issues with money sorted our before I’m allowed to even join in a conversation about how it can be different.
Logan! Thanks for this story. I am not this way with money, but I am with studying, procrastination, eating well, etc. This might be a stupid suggestion, as you are self-confessed broke person, but have you considered seeing a therapist? It might be helpful!